


The Conference

by Catchinglikekerosene



Series: Universe 1: Canon Divergent [4]
Category: Open Heart (Visual Novels)
Genre: Boss/Employee Relationship, Childhood Sweethearts, F/M, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24740941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catchinglikekerosene/pseuds/Catchinglikekerosene
Summary: Becca has been avoiding Ethan like the plague since he came back from the Amazon. However, Dr. Banerji has sent his two mentees to give a keynote speech at Cornell Medical. Back in her homecity both doctor’s are confronted by a bit of the past.
Relationships: Ethan Ramsey/Main Character (Open Heart), Main Character (Open Heart)/Original Character(s)
Series: Universe 1: Canon Divergent [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137878
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying my hand at the first person narrative. this is a lil fic that will probably be in 2-3 parts 😊 also takes place early in book 2

The sun was shining and I could smell the crisp autumn air mixed with seasonal cinnamon and sea salt throughout the entrance halls of Edenbrook Hospital -  _ Oh how I love a New England fall _ . Dressed in my trusty scrubs in the name of comfort, I arrived at work two hours before my scheduled shift in order to plan my day carefully. Like each and every day since becoming a diagnostics fellow, I had a full caseload today. Between my duties as a second year resident, diagnostic’s patients and simply doing all I could to avoid working one-on-one with Eth-  _ Dr. Ramsey, _ I barely even had a spare moment to pee. 

When the aforementioned doctor disappeared to the Amazon a few months ago, Dr. Naveen Banerji had taken me under his wing. We even have been having weekly lunches to discuss any hospital gossip, my cases and life in general. The older diagnostician has been a welcomed change in mentorship, he doesn’t hold back and tells me exactly how it is. It’s refreshing to have someone be so transparent about medicine and my life’s choices without any hidden course. Sure, Naveen pushed me to be better, but he did it with a warm smile that just made me want to do my grandmentor proud. 

Around mid-afternoon I received a page from Naveen asking to meet in his office. 

Assuming he was paging to tell me he was ready to take lunch, I walked through his partially open office door on the sixth floor and started to speak without taking in the scene, “I don’t think I can do lunch toda-” 

My thought was cut off by the sight of the elusive Dr. Ramsey sat across from the Chief of Medicine. His body was angled towards the open seat on his left as he looked at his mentor behind the desk. He looked how he always did - stoic and unhappy with the current situation.  _ What’s Naveen got up his sleeve?  _

“You do lunch?” he quizzed his mentor, his eyes conveying disbelief. 

The deep brown skin around Naveen’s mouth and eyes cracked in a bright smile, “I do have other friends aside from you, Dr. Ramsey.” 

I bit my lip to stop the small smile from peeking through. I will never tire of the scrunched up look that adorns Ethan’s face when someone mocks him.  _ Someone’s got to knock him down a peg or two now and again _ . It’s been a few weeks since Ethan returned from his two month sabbatical to help the WHO fight the outbreak in Brazil. A few short weeks since I kissed him for the last time at Donohue’s, not my choice mind you - I wanted a relationship with the man I spent an entire year cultivating a very careful flirtationship with. We both know very well that all those feelings weren't one sided nor a figment of my imagination, he confessed more than such during our weekend of passion. While he was away and I was absent from his presence, Ethan Ramsey had reset us. He made the executive decision to keep us simply professional. That last night at Donohue’s I sat close to him, my lips pressed tenderly against the ones I dreamt about capturing for weeks. He didn’t pull away - he didn’t move. And for the second time that quarter my heart shattered into a million pieces. Since that night I had avoided him like the plague. There was no way in hell I could be in close proximity to the man who ignites every one of my nerves. 

“Um, you wanted to see me?” I asked, still blissfully unaware of the situation we were about to be thrown into. 

“Yes, please sit.” Naveen motioned to the open chair and I moved to take my appointed place. Like we were a pulley system, I moved to sit and Ethan stood to go. Naveen caught on and instructed, “Ethan, stay.” 

The tall doctor reluctantly took back his seat. His body now pointed directly forward, he seemed to be shielding himself from me. Like he wanted to get through this altercation without paying me any mind. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt a little. 

The atmosphere got just a little bit tighter as the two of us waited for whatever reason we were called into the Chief’s office for. My eyes darted around the grand and modern room - a stark contrast from the man who it belonged to - looking for anything to focus on that wasn’t the nonverbal cues of the man sat beside me.  _ If he’s here this must be about the team… or what we were… oh Fuck did anyone complain about me to the board again?! _

Naveen broke the bated silence, “Cornell Medical will be hosting a symposium next weekend and they have asked for a panel and keynote about phage therapy and my miraculous recovery. As my saviors you both will be in attendance.”

My eyes went wide for two reasons:  _ My first keynote speech! _ How many residents can say they gave a keynote at Cornell Medical? This was an opportunity of a lifetime! I knew saving Naveen would have it’s perks in the long run, but I never thought it would lead to  _ this  _ so soon. On the other hand in the pit of my stomach I couldn’t help the thought of history repeating itself... Was he also thinking of the last convention we went to? 

With history and the current dynamics in mind I was adamant to not spend any unnecessary and unbuffered time with my heart’s assailant. “Dr. Ramsey’s the expert, surely they would prefer a keynote speech from him,” I rationalized with a brave face, keeping my eyes glued to the sincere brown ones of the honest man before me. 

“But you solved the case, my friend,” Naveen retorted with a knowing smile. “Without you this wouldn’t exist.” He said the latter with such certainty I swore he was speaking of something else, something  _ bigger _ . 

I wrung my fingers in my lap,  _ Am I stupid for turning this down?  _

“I’m thankful for the opportunity, truly. But I don’t think it’s the bes-” 

Ethan cut me off, “When do we leave?” My eyes went wide at his statement and against my better judgement I glanced over to him. His legs were crossed now as he leaned back in the chair. The air in the room was stale and unmoving.  _ What does he think he’s doing?  _

Breaking the obvious tension in the room, Naveen beamed looking between us, “I’ll forward the accommodation details onto you.” 

My mind was in a haze. Ethan Jonah Ramsey - the man who said we couldn’t be more than colleagues, the man who I have been avoiding for weeks has just agreed to spend a weekend away with me. 

Alone. 

Just like Miami. 

Except now we’re the ones giving the speech. So we’ll have to sit around and prepare together. We will have to spend time together.  _ Fuck fuck fuckity fuck I’m screwed.  _ The barrier I’ve made to keep him as just Dr. Ramsey is sure to slowly crumble. 

“Are we done here?” Ethan bit.  _ Has the verity of what he’s just committed to finally set in? _

“That’s all from me unless..?” Naveen looked at me expectantly. When I shook my head with no other words to say, Ethan nodded once before stalking off. 

I sat across from Naveen in silence as my entire being began to comprehend this situation, my conflicted eyes meeting his curious ones. “I can’t believe it,” I finally muttered. 

“I’m proud of you, Dr. Lao. You deserve it,” his sweet words were all the reassurance I needed.


	2. Chapter 2

“So… what’s the plan?” I asked Ethan as we each settled into our 2-bedroom suite at an apart-hotel complex on 57th and Park. The room was nothing special - a wannabe art deco interior that yearns to be an Pictagrammer’s paradise with one bathroom and a small kitchenette set in the style of a 1930s wetbar. The draw to the accommodation was definitely the large windows overlooking this iconically restless city from our 26th floor vantage point.  _ This place definitely saw some  _ interesting _ nights… Far too interesting for two strictly professional doctors...  _

As I was unpacking my toiletries in the shared bathroom, Ethan was sitting at the dining table with his laptop in front of him as he intently scribbled into a lined notebook. He hadn’t bothered to get settled, opting to stay in his travel chinos and sweater. His overnight bag was abandoned outside his bedroom door with a heavy  _ thud _ . 

“We will give our keynote tomorrow afternoon and then an informal panel that evening with the students. We’ll have a short tour around the facilities the day after, before we fly back,” he said in his preoccupied monotone. 

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at his formality. 

I know, I  _ know _ . I pushed him away but  _ man _ this guy is taking it to heart. In the week leading up to this excursion he didn’t even entertain the idea of us working on the presentation together. Like the bigger person I am I bit back my pride and emailed him talking points along with questions about our itinerary five days prior. Ethan’s only response was a curt email with our flight details. 

His disregard didn’t even begin to stop there. The man booked our seats in the small charter plane with a total of ten rows - _40 seats_ , so that I sat in the second row right window seat and he was in the ninth left aisle. Then in the cab from LaGuardia he found deleting his emails more interesting than discussing our keynote. This petty admonishing is all rather entertaining albeit _fucking_ _frustrating_ to be cast aside with such ease by someone I wished would hold me closer than a boa on its prey. 

The final blow to let both of us know we cannot escape one another was that our 2 bedroom reservation was actually for a 2 bedroom suite so we’d be sharing the same common facilities. Just sleeping one wall and a short drowsy shuffle away from one another. 

_ Just like Miami… _

I know what I said. And I know my actions deem otherwise. But in the week leading up to this trip I did some reflecting - or maybe it’s the nostalgia in me wanting to rewrite the past? We may be in a different city, and our feelings are definitely still there. If they weren’t we wouldn’t be trying this hard to stay away from one another. Right? 

_ Ugh. _

Just the thought of him makes me mad. I’m so fucking mad at him for choosing his ethics over us - over happiness. Just who does he think he is? 

_ Your boss, idiot. _

Yeah… but that’s semantics. He’s Ethan - a brooding, misunderstood, sarcastic tool with the biggest softest heart. The idolization of  _ The _ Dr. Ramsey of my schoolgirl fantasy was slaughtered that first day we met and he was an utter asshole - Even though it was my first day on the job, I graduated top of my class. Ameatuer was not a way to describe my capability as a doctor _. _ Since that fateful moment the true Ethan has come to light. He cares so deeply about those close to him,  _ Dolores, Baby Ethan, Naveen…  _ We became so close; spending so much time sharing secrets. Secrets of Naveen’s case, secret coffee machines, secret kisses… secret feelings… 

To say I’m conflicted would be an understatement. It has taken a lot for me to move on from unadulterated anger and to finally considering fighting to have our friendship back - any onlookers could attest that we were good together. An unstoppable coup-  _ pair _ . 

Nodding at his statement of the relatively light schedule I affirmed, “Good, we have time to practice before then. You should definitely take the reins on this since you’ve done the whole shebang before.” Sticking my head out of the bathroom I then asked, “Do you need any help?” 

“Not at the moment,” he dismissed. “I’ll give you a shout when the outlines complete.”

“Okay.” I shouldn’t have expected anything else but a very small part of me was disappointed. Determined to have a lighthearted and fun time in my home state, my mood instinctively picked itself up. “I’m going out with some friends from college,” I told him with a friendly smile he didn’t care to acknowledge, “But I’ll check in with you later.” 

The last time I was back in the tri-state area was for Christmas break my second year of med school. New York City had never been my confirmed home. I grew up in a small village in East Egg Long Island, a 40 minutes train ride into the Big Epicentre. Like most small town kids I spent my youth chasing big cities -  _ London, Paris, New York, New Haven, Boston, LA, Nashville _ , my friends and I would sneak away every chance we got. Most of my undergrad was spent at a school upstate and I was fortunate enough to attend medical school in LA. Los Angeles just didn’t have the brazen east coast grit that made it feel like home. What drew me closer to Edenbrook was Boston with its culture, historic precedence and cleaner skies than Manhattan could ever hope for. Boston was the perfect homogeneity of big city and village values.  _ You can’t reform change if you’re stuck surrounded by closed off ideals of the conservative generations.  _

The hospital had purposefully scheduled our arrival half a day early in order to give us ample time to prepare for the keynote. In the event Ethan actually did want to spend time asking for my input I needed an iron clad escape plan, a buffer to keep me from making another mistake. Thus I took full advantage of this rare opportunity to reach out to a few friends I knew were still living near the city.

I came out of my room thirty minutes later and expected Ethan to be deep in his thoughts - donning his glasses and scrunched up nose in blind concentration. Part of me wanted him to not pay me any mind so I could walk right past him but the irrational side of me wanted to make him sweat. I want him to notice what he’s thrown away. My dark brown hair pulled back in a low and stylized bun with stray waves framing my rounded face and making my neck look longer. My attire included heels that accentuated my toned legs, high waisted shorts that transformed my butt into the perfect little peach, and a skin tight long sleeved deep v-neck bodysuit accentuating my every curve. I had a necklace dangling between the swells of my well-supported breasts that made it extremely hard for anyone to resist. 

In my absence Ethan had moved chairs so the blaring sunset out the window wasn’t straining his eyes, his form now facing me. At the click of my heels against the tile he looked up through heavy eyes above the rim of his glasses, stunned. 

_ Mhm I know I look hot.  _

Ethan wasn’t stupid. He knew the difference between a ‘friends’ outfit and an ‘attention’ outfit. This was undoubtedly a ‘come hither’ outfit. Lucky for me he was rendered speechless. His eyes widened just a bit more than his moral compass would deem acceptable, searching over me carefully - like his eyes and inhibitions were fighting his rational counterpart. He was trying  _ so _ hard to keep his indifferent composure. I made a show of biting my lip. 

Happily I retreated to the front door. 

“See ya!” I called as I turned on my heels, throwing a wave high up above my head. Letting the elongation of my body show off my assets. I could feel his rigid shoulders relaxing as I sauntered off. I was smirking to myself with the satisfaction of knowing just how badly he would be beating himself up for wanting to take me all in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and i'd love to hear your ideas on what ethan and becca will get up to this weekend :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Becca has drinks with her uni friends and comes face to face with the one person she’d thought she was over.

I sat with my two closest friends at an ubiquitous tavern on the Upper East Side, drinking cocktails and lining our stomachs with finger foods as we reminisced of old times and what we’ve been up to since graduation. Time is a fickle little devil and something I’ve never truly grasped; a side effect of governing my life through a series of goals. It’s been four years since I’ve seen Kelsey Grey and Nadia Torro and probably a little less since we’ve had a proper conversation. We’ve all grown up and into our bodies, our skin has a few more wrinkles and beauty marks than our old youthful glow of selfies past. Lucky enough the three of us are good enough friends and understand that life happens and it’s like no time has passed. No awkwardness, no disdainful chides for not keeping in touch, nothing. A true adult friendship. 

Kelsey was still pursuing acting. Even taking up a steward position at an off-Broadway theatre to make connections but couldn’t afford to live in Manhattan, so she’s been commuting down from Westchester six days a week. 

“It’s shit, seriously,” Kelsey lamented as she slammed her glass onto the wooden table. “I’ve spent all this time and money on a degree and perfecting my craft - but it means nothing in the real world. It’s just a fucking piece of paper. If I knew that I would have gone into business or something boring to get me in the door.” 

Nadia raised her glass in her heavily tattooed hand as she breathed out, “If only our parents didn’t tell us to follow our dreams.” 

“Yeah…” I agreed; Kelsey was completely right, the job market is not what we were groomed to expect. Maybe it was the alcohol talking or the fact that I could say anything from the depths of my soul to these two women without fear of retribution, I whispered, “I’ve got my kids' lives planned out already.”

Slightly stunned the two of them looked at me with cocked heads. 

“Who are you having kids with?” Nadia darkly asked. 

“No one,” I shrugged, taking another long sip. Wistfully I added, “It’s just always good to be prepared.” 

I’ve always wanted children - there’s really no world I wouldn’t consider having kids, no matter how terrifying childbirth is. Have I fantasized about having children with Ethan? Yeah, of course… Who hasn’t thought about it after setting eyes on that fine specimen of a man? But, he doesn’t see them in his future -  _ another _ valid reason to keep us ended and apart. 

“Coming from a doctor,” Kelsey scoffed. “You’ve hit the jackpot. Your kids can afford to study the arts.” 

I rolled my eyes. She had a point - my job will pay well enough for me to support a small family in a few years, but I’m also in thrice the amount of debt she’s in because of eight years of schooling. Alas, there’s no point in arguing when she’s two tequila sunrises down. Kelsey’s parents were teachers who weren’t thrilled their eldest followed her whims and into acting, but had two other kids they could instill the importance of a non-faithless field in. 

“So?” Nadia egged me to explain. 

“Okay. Buckle up,” I shifted in my stool to get comfortable as I prepared to explain the dynamics of my fictitious children’s lives. “They’re going to know how important an education is; being balanced between books, sports  _ and _ the arts. I want them to know that college is important but they can do other things - like if they have no idea what they want to do, get a degree in business, finance or technology. Something useful in any field. Then become a flight attendant and see the world. Once they have a clearer picture of their purpose they have something to fall back on,” I explained. “I mean, like any parent I want the best for my kids but I also don’t want to crush their spirit, ya know?” 

Nadia’s mouth hung open, obviously not expecting that. “Wow… please be my mom.” 

When I met Nadia freshman year she wanted to work in the music industry, despite being utterly tone deaf. Her dream job was to be a tour manager and see the world, surrounding herself with the music that got her through the hardships of growing up. Sophomore year she realized that this dream was futile - if she wanted to be a tour manager she should have stayed home and helped local bands build themselves from the ground up. Instead she enrolled in the teaching program with a minor in linguistics. Since she graduated three years ago she has been hustling - temping, working as a substitute teacher and giving private lessons in spanish, korean and mandarin. In the spring she’s set to move to South Korea as a translator for some K-Pop group. 

“I never would have thought I’d be moving to Korea - like what the fuck? Emo lil me wanted to move to Nashville, not Seoul.” 

“How did you even end up with the gig?” I asked as I picked up another loaded nacho. 

“Opportunity knocks.” Nadia wiggled her manicured eyebrows, “More accurately, knock boots with opportunity.” 

She winked and I almost choked on the nacho.  _ Never change, Nadia. Never change _ . 

“Naddie!” Kelsey scolded her. 

She rolled her eyes at the conservative comment. “Enough about me -” she turned to stare me down, “How many hot doctors have you been  _ on-call _ with?” 

I wish the nacho had killed me. 

I decided it was easier to be dismissive than divulge into the last year’s escapades. “I am  _ way _ too busy making it through my residency alive, thank you very much,” 

“Girl, you can’t bullshit us,” she retorted, “What’s the lowdown?” 

Sighing, I said, “I’ve made out with a surgeon on occasion and briefly dated a paramedic.”  _ And fell for an attending that just so happens to be my boss at present…  _

“Sex?” Nadia said as if asking for the time. 

“Once. In the on-call room.”  _ And at Ethan’s place in his bedroom… and his shower… and his kitchen… and lastly my apartment.  _

“Knew it,” she had a shit-eating grin on her face.  _ I swear she and Bryce would be thick as thieves…  _

For their benefit I elaborated, “We’ve been over for months. He’s back with his high school girlfriend now.” I said with a shrug. Yeah it’s upsetting to see Rafael move on without a trace but he was never mine to claim. 

“Gross,” Nadia mused, “Can teenage ‘love’ even be classed as love?” 

Ever the hopeless romantic Kelsey added, “Well that’s sweet I guess. Love is love.” 

“Why’d it end?” Nadia quizzed with all those years of cigarettes presenting itself on her tongue with each new pint of beer. 

I did  _ not _ know how to answer that. Why did Rafael and I fizzle out? The only certainty I can speak to is for myself. 

I felt smaller just thinking of saying the words out loud. I knew they wouldn’t judge me - hell, Nadia would probably high five me and order me another drink in celebration. But  _ I _ judged myself. 

“I - there was someone else...”

My two old friends sat on the edge of their seats waiting to hear the story at length. I care about Raf, truly and I want nothing more than to see him happy. If Sora brings him the happiness left unfulfilled by me then that should be okay. I should be okay with seeing him move on. After all I only really have myself to blame for being distant during the whole ethics ordeal and running to Ethan for safety. I wasn’t his girlfriend and he wasn’t my boyfriend - we’re two people who can make our own decisions, two people with wandering hearts. 

As if on cue to save me from reliving those days, a still-too-familiar baritone voice caught me off guard. So much so that I spit my sip of gin fizz back in the glass. 

“Rebecca?” he said from a few feet away. Even after all this time I could hear the smile present without having to turn to him. 

_ Of all the places in this godforsaken city he had to be here. Didn’t he move upstate ages ago?  _

“Ryan?” I spun around on my stool and wouldn’t you know it, there he was. He was in an all black suit with the top two buttons of his shirt undone, something he never would have worn back when I knew him. He seemed taller somehow, standing just above six foot. His body, defined and muscular instead of soft and toned. He had more definition in his face, drawing attention to his jawline with his five o’clock shadow ever present. His eyes - his effervescent eyes were still the same shade of icelandic blue, inviting me back in.  _ Boy did he grow up. _

“Hi,” he said as he came closer. I noticed him shuffling his feet unsure if a hug would be appropriate. Instead he settled on a single wave of his dominant hand. 

“It’s been forever,” I couldn’t help the smile as I mimicked his wave. 

There we were two old friends in the middle of a loud restaurant, our souls meeting for what seemed to be the first time. Although we had history we weren’t the same people we were back then - he was a mystical version of the boy I used to know. This was an out of body experience. For years I thought about what it would be like to see him, to speak to him again. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought this would actually happen - and here.  _ Now _ . What are the odds?  _ The greater powers that be are totally fucking with me.  _

It was his turn to speak. “I thought you moved away?” I was slightly surprised that he paid attention to my activities since the last time. But then again between social media and the village gossips, it wasn’t surprising he knew I didn’t live on the island anymore. 

“I did,” I nodded back. “I’m in town for a guest lecture at Cornell Medical.” In my peripheral vision I could see the girls still sat on the edge of their seats, fixated on our interaction. 

“That’s great. You look great,” he smiled a bit bigger, the lines now showing his age. “Sorry for interrupting. If you have some free time we should catch up.”

Before I knew it I was smiling back, “I’d like that.” 

“I’ll be in the lounge for a while,” he pointed over his shoulder. “Feel free to join.” 

We gave one another a tender smile and nodded before he took his leave. I blankly watched his frame walk off still utterly perplexed by my racing heart and what’s just happened. 

As soon as he was out of reach, Kelsey screeched, “Ryan? As in Ryan Ryan!?” 

I nodded still completely baffled by this sick turn of luck. 

“Damn he grew up well,” Nadia smirked. 

“So it seems,” I mused with a small smile still omnipresent as I turned back to them and took another sip from my glass. 

“You  _ have  _ to see him,” Nadia urged. 

“Wait -” Kelsey stopped our liberal friend’s train of thought, “Is Someone Else still in the picture?” 

I shook my head and could feel my high wavering, “Not really.” 

Nadia’s eyes darkened with mischief, “You’re hot and single and this could lead to a  _ very happy  _ ending.” 

I rolled my eyes. Of course she’d suggest we hook up. As much as I dreamt about what could have been these last few years, there’s no way I’d be able to. My heart cannot handle anymore heartbreak. And anyway, bringing someone home with Ethan one room away just wouldn’t be kosher. 

“Our book closed a long time ago, but I will go out of curiosity,” I told them with a sly smile.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Becca decided to meet up with him and indulge in the past.

Forty minutes and some heavy convincing from Nadia later I met Ryan in the lounge and asked if he wanted to grab a drink at my hotel’s bar. It was 9PM and I already had more alcohol than was probably best - who knows what would have happened if we stayed and indulged some more. Going back to my place gave me enough time to sober up enough and control the outcome should I need to. The sky was dark and starless while here on earth the archetypal lights were at their full glory. Tourists leisurely wandering round and locals bustling and cooling off from the busy day, all minding their own business and enjoying the sleepless city at night. 

We walked the four blocks downtown to my hotel, speaking of times past. I felt like I was walking on air, the ground below me wasn’t real and a mix of dramatic glitter and clouded by memories. I was walking down a hazily lit concrete road of a previous life. This surely was an out of body experience.  _ How long had I hoped to see him again?  _

“It’s been what - 8 years?” I asked, knowing full well how long it’s been since we last interacted. “The last time I saw you was at my senior prom,” my nose scrunched up at the memory.

“Yeah we spent the night in this city,” he mused motioning to the buildings around us. 

Keeping my gaze ahead I retorted, “You got absolutely bombed on Four Locos and hooked up with my friend.” 

Was it the senior prom movies made it out to be? Definitely not. There was no happy ending. I brought an underclassman, Kat, as my date because her date dropped her at the last minute. She’d already bought her dress and I had an extra ticket. My best friend brought the guy I had a thing with ( _ aka Ryan _ ) for longer than I'd care to admit as her date. It was dramatic and nobody had sex. Except maybe Ryan and Kat? That I’d never know for sure. 

He shook his head and I could hear the half smirk in his voice at the memory, “And you were drinking vodka straight out of a water bottle.” 

That evening we were just six teens riding hotel elevators completely plastered late into the early morning. I don’t know what I was really expecting but it certainly wasn’t that awkward-fest of events. The sooner I forget it ever happened, the better. 

“What’ve you been up to?” I changed the subject. I spent so much time working on forgetting the person I used to be. High school was almost a decade ago. I’ve grown,  _ changed _ into someone I actually like, maybe he did too. 

“I got a degree in economics and work at a hedge fund downtown. You?” 

_ Huh. The Ryan I knew wanted to be a policeman... _

“I went to med school and am a second year resident at Edenbrook hospital in Boston. Also the youngest fellow on the diagnostics team,” I recited. 

He turned to look at me, “Wasn’t that your dream job?”

I almost stopped in my tracks.  _ He remembered.  _

After all this time he remembered something so minuscule about me? Something that could have been a teenage whim... “It was - _ is _ .” 

“Have you seen that- that guy... Doctor…?” Ryan was looking at the dingy gum covered sidewalk as he tried to recall the name. The name that inspired me to pursue medicine. 

“Dr. Ramsey,” I involuntarily smiled. “I’m actually here with him.” 

He raised an eyebrow at me and I can tell he didn’t know what to say.  _ If only he knew half of mine and Ethan’s story.  _

“We’re speaking about phange therapy techniques together. It’s a work thing.” 

There was a bit of silence between us as we let my words settle into the crisp, eternally polluted air. 

I broke the silence, “How’s Talia?” 

“She’s okay, I guess. Never made it to med school,” he kicked an imaginary rock as he spoke about his sister. 

“Really?” I was taken aback. Talia Cohen always wanted to be a doctor. She wanted to help people and be financially secure, it was always something we bonded about growing up. We wanted to do what we could to take care of our moms for their rest of their lives. “She wanted to be a neurosurgeon,” I recalled, “I’d never let her anywhere near my brain, but still.” 

“I don’t know what’s up with her; we don’t talk much,” Ryan sighed, the conversation feeling heavy. He tried to laugh it off by saying, “She’s always been a bit mental.” 

The last I heard Talia was a borderline alcoholic - a terrible trait for anyone, let alone a surgeon. 

The memories began rushing back.  _ All the Friday nights spent together at the Cohen house watching movies and playing board games, beach days with the group and helping each other wipe the sand off afterwards, the argument, the ultimate demise of all my high school friendships.. _ . Luckily we made it to the hotel bar before it got awkward. 

We found a tall table with those cozy high seats in the vaguely lit bar. 

“What’re you drinking?” Ryan asked as I slid onto the stool, staking our claim. 

“Whiskey. Neat,” I said without a moment's hesitation. 

He rolled his eyes and made his way to the bar as I held our table. 

I took in our surroundings - the checkered marble floor, deep mahogany walls to match the wooden furniture, turquoise velvet curtains pulled to the side, gold accents were everywhere.  _ Where did Edenbrook find this place?  _

“Still ever an enigma,” he said with a gleam in his eyes as he set our drinks down on the table. 

“Huh?” 

His signature crooked smirk was back and the boy I used to know shined through. “You are the only girl I have ever met that drinks whiskey. It’s always pinot or chardonnay.” He said it as if it was a fact of life - girls were meant to drink popular wines and nothing else. 

I shrugged and challenged, “Maybe you just hang out with the wrong girls.” 

“There she is.”  _ Was it possible for his smile to get even bigger?  _

I shot him a questioning look as I lifted the crystal tumbler to my lips. 

“The old Becca,” he clarified. “The cynic who always challenged me. That deep and confusing brain of yours is still kicking.” 

“I’ve evolved.” 

“I can see that. But it’s good to know you’re still in there somewhere.” His blue eyes were a color I’ve never seen before, translucent even. There was wonderment, familiarity, and a sense of belonging hidden within his irises. 

I rolled my eyes more so at myself for letting him elicit a small hint of blush on my cheeks. “What about you? How much have you changed?” I made a motion to his physical form, “Besides the obvious.” 

“Not much,” he shrugged, taking a long sip of his drink. “I don’t live at home anymore, that’s about it.”

We sat there talking for a while about anything and everything. Time seemed to stand still around us and the time that past us seemed like no time at all. We reminisced about the past and how our disbanded group of friends always seemed to throw us together. How in every spin the bottle or truth or dare we’d be sent to a closet, bedroom or basement together for at least 10 minutes.  _ Oh naive teenage us not knowing that ten minutes was too short a time to get anything going... _ Nothing ever happened, there was too much at stake. I also didn’t know how to handle feelings back then. My rusty moral compass told me to stay away from my best friend's little brother. Ryan and I spent nearly three years playing a game of cat and mouse; a flirtationship that didn’t amount to much of anything. 

“I do miss the old times and friends from high school now and again,” I told him in liquid confidence. “But I needed to get away. There was too much toxic energy.” 

Earnestly he responded, “I’m sorry about that.” 

“You shouldn’t be, it wasn’t your fault.” 

His eyes began to cloud over showing how I wasn’t the only one affected by the whole childish altercations that governed those final months of friendship. “Yeah, but it was my sisters. She made your life hell those last few months.” 

“The irony isn’t lost on me.” I took a long swig of what’s left of my whiskey tumbler, debating voicing my next words. “Did… Did you even like me?” 

In an instant he spoke as if he had been sitting on these words for years, “I did. Why do you think Talia and Chris were always pushing us together?”

Chris was my other and oldest best friend. He's the first man I ever really loved, unromantically and viciously unconditionally. We stayed friends a few years after the fallout with Talia, our 18 year history carrying us through. Ultimately with one argument he severed our ties because I planned to move across the country for med school and never return to our smalltown. Losing Chris was the first bout of heartbreak I have ever endured. 

“To be cunts?” I lamented with a heavy sigh. Realization of his words finally set in as I turned my glass in my hands, “Wow… they’d act on your feelings by pushing us together and castrate me for having the same feelings. Typical.” 

Sitting at the edge of his seat and placing both palms insecurely onto the table he spoke, “I spent a good chunk of my teenage years trying to get you to like me.” 

My eyes fixated on the wrinkles of my damp napkin under the glass. “I did like you,” I reassured. “I liked you a lot. I just… didn’t know what to do with my feelings.” 

“And now?” His hand reached out for mine but retreated just as quickly. 

“I have a better grip on reality.” 

“Good,” he smirked. Any previous indication of uncertainty was now long gone. “As long as you don’t let another good one get away.” 

I scoffed at the thought. 

“I spent a long time wondering if you were the one that got away. But I’ve come to accept that things happen for a reason. You were what I needed then and I’ve learned so much to help me become the person I am today.” It took  _ years _ for me to finally settle on the fact that the universe had other plans for me; that there’s more to life than wanting to love and be loved by Ryan Cohen. “I don’t think we would have lasted, anyway.” 

_ My heart’s destined for another…  _

“No?” he asked incredulously. “I like to think we would have made a pretty cute couple.” Quickly he added, “Do you still have my letterman jacket?” 

“Oh we definitely would have,” I agreed. “And it’s somewhere in my mom's attic probably.” It wasn’t in my mom’s attic. I donated that jacket to Goodwill before I started my new life in California; it took me four years to realize there was no point in holding onto a trinket from a love that never was. “But we wouldn’t have lasted. I used to think about how different life would have been if we kissed any one of those times. There were  _ so  _ many opportunities.” 

“Too bad neither of us knew how to put those feels into action,” he laughed dryly. “We were emotionally inept back then.” 

“100%,” I nodded in agreement with a small chuckle, lifting my glass in recognition. 

The air changed around us - becoming heavy and serious, things that needed to be said weighing down the atmosphere. 

_ If I want to indulge in the what-ifs now was the time… _

Meeting his eyes I sheepishly asked, “If we kissed would we have started something? Would it even have been a good kiss!?” 

He laughed. “Knowing younger me, if we kissed and it was remotely decent I would have wanted you to be my girlfriend. Heck, I wanted you to be my girlfriend even without the kisses.” 

“Oh simpler times,” I chuckled letting the room temperature liquid calm the small flutter I felt in my chest. 

We paused for a moment both thinking about what could have been. 

_ What  _ could _ have been?  _

“In an alternate universe I think we could have been something,” I began describing my thoughts out loud. “But in this universe we were both too big for the small town that would have kept us hostage if we were together.” 

“You think?” 

Pausing for a second to finish the last of my whiskey, I began to rationalize, “I don’t think I would have gone so far away for undergrad if we were together. I’d want to stay close and be with you. And I feel once you started applying to colleges we’d break up and I’d resent you.” I looked away from his curious demeanor. “There was no way we would have been happy with each other back then. And that’s okay now. We were a blip in time to help each other grow and that was beautiful.” I took a pause for breath. “You made me feel things; I didn’t know what they were then and now I do. You made me happy, Ry. Regardless of your sister’s meddling.” 

We sat for a small moment in silence, letting my words set in and finding the last sips of our drinks the most interesting of companions. 

Ryan leaned forward, putting his glass down and speaking softly to me across the table. His bubbly blue eyes locked with caramel brown orbs as he gently spoke, “I didn't realize how much I missed this.” 

His words enveloped me, hugging me in a reassurance I didn’t know I needed. 

“Our banter?” I asked, needing confirmation he felt more than the all encompassing feeling too. 

“Yeah. Even if we’re just rehashing the past, you’ve always had a mind I admired,” the sincerity of his tone made my stomach flutter and adrenaline course through my veins. 

“Thank you.”  _ What else am I supposed to say?  _

He pointed to my empty tumbler, “Another?” 

“Please.” 

I sat there alone and took out my phone. Briefly turning the camera on to take in my appearance - my brown hair a bit frizzy and more strands than normal were framing my face, my red lipstick had vanished and left a shadow of pink in its wake, my face was flush and my eyes were wide and filled with courage. As best and quickly as I could I put my face back together so as to not look like too much of a mess.  _ Ryan’s seen you at your worst. He watched you go through puberty and still liked you.  _

Letting my inner monologue win I stopped primping and scrolled through my messages and emails, grounding me back into reality.  _ I wonder if Ethan finished the presentation outline… _

As if my drunk thoughts had the power to summon him, his voice pulled me out of my mind, “How was dinner?”

Turning to the ghostly voice on my right I saw Ethan standing there with a small, friendly smile tugging at the side of his lips. 

_ How long has he been standing there?  _

“Ethan, hey,” I greeted, shoving my phone back in my bag. “It was good. Lovely to see the girls again, it’s crazy to think how much people can change in four years. Have you finished the outline?” 

He crossed the distance between us, placing his balled up fist on the table. “Yes,” he said with a single satisfied knock to the wood. “We can go over it later if you’d like.” 

“Definitely. I don’t want to look like a fool on my first panel. I'm nervous enough as is,” I smiled back at him. 

I don’t know if it’s the copious amounts of alcohol in my blood or the high I’m on from reconnecting with old friends, but there’s something different about Ethan. Something foreign and…  _ lighter _ ? I searched his form looking for any indication of the change in presentation. 

Sooner than expected Ryan placed the tumbler down with a  _ clink _ next to me bringing me out of my trance. He asked, “Who’s your friend?” 

Looking between the two men I responded, “Ryan, this is Dr. Ramsey. Ethan, Ryan’s a good friend from high school.” Looking at Ethan I explained, “We ran into each other in the restaurant and decided to grab a nightcap.” 

Like the gentleman he is Ethan held out his hand. “Pleasure.” After their handshake he had a mischievous gleam in his eye when he asked Ryan, “Was she always so stubborn?” 

_ Seriously!?  _

“More so if you’d believe it,” Ryan laughed. “She’s lightened up a bit, definitely much happier now.” 

Ethan shook his head, returning the chuckle at my expense, “No, I wouldn’t believe it.” 

I looked between the two men that held special places in my heart. The sandy blonde, effervescent blue eyed ghost of lovers past on my left, and the brown haired, stormy eyed man standing a few inches above on my right. Both men had the power to make me blush and laugh like no tomorrow. Both men made my heart ache for a million different reasons. My eyes lingered a bit longer on Ethan. He changed from his travel chinos to jeans and a new baby blue button down. The color he looks the most irresistible in. 

“You’re a thousand times worse than I am, Ramsey,” I playfully chided. 

He rolled his eyes and Ryan watched our exchange. Could he tell there was some notable tension between us two colleagues?  _ I _ could still feel the tension between us - I wish we could have the do-over Ryan and I are finally having.  _ But we’re too complicated for that. _ Although these two men meeting is something I never could have predicted in even my wildest of nightmares, we all are friendly nonetheless.

“Do you want to join us, Doctor?” Ryan asked. 

Ethan’s eyes moved between the two of us, obviously considering the options and facts laid out before him. “No, I don’t want to intrude. You two must have a lot to catch up on.”

_ Thank fuck.  _

Extending the offer just like earlier in the tavern Ryan added, “If you change your mind we’ll be here.”   


We spoke and laughed, continued to talk about anything and everything. Conversation is still flowing so freely and without any noticeable effort. I forgot just how easy simply being with Ryan was without all the complications. It was bliss. 

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Ethan went to the farthest edge of the bar, a scotch already in hand. He was looking down at the glass and folding a cocktail napkin a few times over. I thought about the similarities between Ryan and Ethan, the stinging feeling of history repeating itself taking homage in my muscles. This time I’m adamant not to have any regrets. I took the opportunities to show Ethan how much I care for him and wanted more, alas it was him who couldn’t understand his feelings. I’m exiting this chapter with my head held high.  _ Then why did I still feel so low? _

_ It took so many years to get over the one that never was, how long do I have to suffer with the pain of the one that got away? _

  
  


***

  
  


Ryan took the trek up with me to our 26th floor apartment door. A silent understanding between us of knowing it meant nothing other than not wanting the night to ever end. We both knew he would not be staying the night. Our time had passed. No point in knotting the timeline further. But that didn't stop us from wanting closure. To finally put all the what-ifs and could-have-beens to bed once and for all. 

I stood with my keycard in my hand, back mere centimeters from the door and looking up at Ryan not sure what else to say or how to properly say a long awaited proper goodbye. Unsure of who leaned first we kissed. 

_ Finally _ . 

A long awaited decade-in-the-making kiss. A tender and peaceful kiss. Two experienced tongues coming together to find solace in the unknown. There were no fireworks, no passion. Just a comfort of knowing we made the right decision; we didn’t need to regret anymore. The lust wasn’t there no matter how attracted we still were to one another. Our bodies have moved on. Ryan traced my curves like he’d done so many years ago when he’d hold me close on the couch. My hands ran down his chest noting just how much it’s changed - toned muscle replaced the post pubescent chub. I didn’t need him and I didn’t want him. But tonight for some reason or another I’m glad he’s here. 

Once we parted Ryan breathlessly asked, “More than satisfactory?” 

I gave him a true, unencumbered smile, “I’ll give it an 8 out of 10.” 

He kissed me again. A light and feathered goodbye. 

We stared at each other for more moments than necessary, taking in each other's everlasting silhouette. 

“Bye, Ryan,” I said softly, as if it were the ending of a prayer. 

As he began retreating backwards to the elevators he asked, “Let’s not wait another decade to meet up, alright?” 

“No promises,” I called back.   


Once in the comfort of the empty apartment, I dropped my purse by the door still dizzy from the kiss. I rested my back against the nearest dining chair to keep me steady and touched my tingly and swollen lips.  _ How long had I been waiting for that kiss? _ Much longer than I’d like to admit, that’s for sure. It finally happened and I… 

I felt nothing. 

As if on cue to my overwhelming realization, Ethan walked in not a moment later. 

“Hey,” I breathed out, biting my lip. 

He nodded in acknowledgement of my greeting as he swiftly walked past me, “Rookie.” 

“Do you want -” 

And just like that he was in his room with the door slammed shut. 

_ What’s gotten into him?  _

I knew I should leave him alone, he doesn’t owe me any explanation or attention, and maybe it was the alcohol talking but I just couldn’t let it go. 

_ The night was still young and we have work to do _ , I rationalized. 

I knocked on his door, “Ethan?” 

No answer. 

“Ethan? Are you okay?” 

Nothing. 

Annoyed I deadpanned, “If you don’t open the door in 5 seconds I’m coming in.”

And just like that he opened the door a crack, exposing me to the sight of Ethan Ramsey’s bare chest and sweatpants hanging low on his hips. 

_ Ethan doesn’t sleep in sweatpants,  _ I recalled. 

“Can I help you?” he asked venomously. 

I closed my slack jaw back up and deadly replied, “Are you okay? Did something happen?” 

“It’s late. You should go to bed.”

He wasn’t looking at me. He was looking around me. I could see his eyes dart to the top of my head, the generic painting hanging on the wall to my right or the table in the distance. They were erratic and full of…  _ torment _ ? 

“It’s midnight,” I retorted. “And don’t we have to rehearse?” I’m not sure how much of the presentation I’d remember but I know I didn’t want to lose this high - I didn’t want to go to bed with Ethan angry, nor did I want to fall asleep without spending an ounce of normalcy with him today. 

“We’ll rehearse in the morning.” He used that authoritative hospital voice that took me aback. 

“Oh, okay…” 

“Is that all?” he huffed. 

I looked at my feet feeling unbelievably stupid. “Um… yeah.” 

He began to close the door, “Goodnight, Dr. Lao.” 

“Night,” I mumbled back. 

I shuffled to my room next door not fully understanding his outburst and what I could have done to upset him so badly in the short space of time.  _ Things seemed almost normal in the bar, right?  _

Sitting on my bed bundled up in the thick navy duvet I thought about the last few months.  _ Rafael, Bryce, random bargoer, Ethan, Ryan… God I’m a ho.  _ In under a year I’ve been entangled with the heart strings of five men. So much for being at the helm of my emotions... 

_ Wait.  _

_ No.  _

_ I’m not a ho. I’m not in a relationship. I’m not sleeping with just anybody. I’m not bad. And if I was it’s ok. We’re all consenting adults, _ I  _ can make my own choices.  _

The one choice I wanted more than anything was to not push Ethan away the way he has done to me. I wish I was strong enough to make the choice to push past his door and cuddle up to the warmth I’ve been starved from. If seeing my long lost Ryan Cohen taught me anything tonight, it’s that I cannot have any regrets. Alas I nailed the final spike one in me and Ethan’s coffin not too long ago. Because I gave up no so long ago there was nothing else to save between us.  _ Right? _

I went to sleep thinking back to that night I turned the table around and, for the first and final time, pushed Ethan Ramsey away. 


	5. Chapter 5

I finally walked into the foreign and dimly lit tavern after wasting the beginning hours of my day off scrolling through Bumble, scouring the app for a good distraction. Eventually I found one - a legal assistant named Cameron. He was cute and his choice of profession gave me the feeling he could carry an intelligent conversation with minimal sexual advances. His tone was friendly enough and a little awkward at times but harmless. We messaged back and forth for like an hour and a half before agreeing to a date across town. 

I made sure to put on my best face, watching youtube tutorials for the perfect date night eye to accompany my black cap sleeved maxi dress - you know that one with the high slit. A little bit of sultry but not enough to give him the assumption he could take me home. 

I’d never been to The Happenstance tavern before. Hell, I barely had any time to explore parts of the city that weren’t directly surrounding Edenbrook. I was pumped with adrenaline for my first actual date in god knows how long. Thus for once in my life I was fifteen minutes early and decided to sit at the bar to calm my nerves. 

_ I’m meeting a stranger I’ve had half a conversation with an hour ago! In a part of the city I’ve never been to! What am I doing!?  _

I didn’t even have a chance to flag down the bartender before my name was called over my shoulder. 

“Rebecca,” my name fell expertly off his lips and I turned towards the velvety voice fully thinking my date was nervous enough to arrive early too.

There he was, only a footfall away. My eyes quickly and involuntarily trailed over him. His slate gray slimming slacks elongating his legs and outlining the curvature of his manhood, a navy blue polo tucked in with the two top buttons undone and form fitting to hide the taut muscles underneath but accentuating the uncertain look in his eyes. 

The hair stood at the back of my neck and I swear goosebumps coated my skin. 

_ Nope. No. Nope! _

Immediately I turned right back around on my stool. 

_ Not happening! _

“What are you doing here?” he asked, taking the empty seat and motioning to the bartender for two more of whatever he had earlier. 

I had been ignoring Ethan, as best I could given our close workplace dynamic. We’d only talk about patients and pertinent information to the caseload. No hello’s, how are yous or see you tomorrows. Nope. Those little accolades were reserved for friends - someone you actually give a damn about. 

It had been nearly twelve weeks since we spent that last night of heated passion in my apartment; 12 weeks since I thought it was the start of something new, the start of  _ us _ . As surely as he promised me we would make a future work, he took it all right back. Running all the way to the fucking Amazon. But I forgave him the moment he came back and our eyes locked in the beer garden of Donohue’s. I trusted him above all else - his reason for leaving was probably justified.  _ Oh how wrong I was.  _ I kissed him and he - he did  _ nothing _ . He reset us without my knowledge. He made the executive decision for my heart. 

That was the final straw. 

He couldn’t keep toying with me and my emotions.  _ No. No more push and pull. That’s not a lover that’s… that’s... I’m not quite sure what that was but it certainly isn’t the actions of a respected partner. _ He knew where I stood and I needed to take my own stand - to continue living my life as if I never experienced him. 

I chose to push him away. 

To move on from chasing the notion of wholly and completely loving The Ethan Ramsey.  _ Finally.  _

“If you must know, I have a date,” I said with the most nonchalant malice I could muster. 

There was a thick and uncomfortable silence taking up the small foot of space between our seats. 

I was staring dead ahead at the bottles meticulously placed behind the bar but out the corner of my eye I could see Ethan’s eyes fell from me to the two tumblers now sitting in front of us. 

I reached out for my drink, letting the cold glass soothe my boiling blood. “At least someone wants to date me.” I muttered it mostly to myself, but secretly hoping the words would hit him where it hurts the most. 

_ Take the hint and leave, Ethan.  _

His voice was even and the words melted off his tongue like butter, “It has nothing to do with want, you know that.” It was a truth he came to know. 

My eyes now fixated on the decorative mirror behind the bar as I took a drag of the scotch, hoping to take a peek at how my words affected him. With a thick roll of my eyes I shrugged, “Want, can’t, what’s the difference?” 

“The difference is your professional development and our jobs,” his voice was straight as he repeated his same rationale over and over again. “Once you’re an attending -” 

_ That’s a new additive. What -?  _

The last words took me by surprise. He’d never added them into the mix of rejections before - he never added a glimmer of  _ hope _ into the mix before… 

_ Don’t let him suck you back in, Bec.  _

I shook my head dismissively to myself. “You’ll find other excuses to push me away.” I brought the liquid to my lips as I took a moment to let myself turn enough to see his full body language. He was at the edge of his seat, body angled towards me, one arm leaning on the bar and the other tightly gripping his thigh, his scotch untouched and forgotten. An onlooker would assume he was a casual man but to me he looked distraught; the careful ridges in his daily features had fallen. 

_ Good.  _

My glass hovered just above my lips and I could feel the heat from Ethan’s gaze boring into my cheek. With a little bit of courage and a sly smirk I added, “Either way you’ve made your choice and I'm moving on, don’t worry.” 

I checked the time on my phone, downed the rest of the scotch in my glass and slipped off the stool gathering my things into my bag, preparing to head to the back where I agreed to meet Cameron at a reserved table. 

My feet fled all of two steps before there was pressure on my forearm grounding me back towards the bar. I whipped around to finally see him face to face, my heels bringing me to his level. 

We were close.  _ Much _ too close. In the simplest of movements his body could be flush against mine. 

_ Stop, Rebecca, don't go there. Don’t think about it - don’t think about his lips or…  _

I was acutely aware of his firm yet gentle hold. His shoulders once stiff and rigid fell with vulnerability. His soft and supple lips were parted and begging to be bitten.

_ Pull yourself together, woman!  _

“Rookie,” his grip on the back of my arm tightened, lighting every nerve in my body on fire. “Rebecca,” he breathed, “Please.” Ethan’s stormy blue eyes were pleading, conveying all he wished he had the strength to say. 

I tried to coax it out of him, “Say it.”

“I -”

Even now. Even with me visibly moving to put us in the past like he instructed and the shattered heart he must have had, he doesn’t have the balls to tell me. 

_ If he can’t say it he can’t have me.  _

“Say it and I’ll stop,” I taunted. “I’ll squash this right now.”

Our eyes locked in showdown. Enraged brown overtaking conflicted icy blue. Standing my ground with a tightened jaw I internally gave him just three seconds before I pulled away once and for all. 

_ Three...  _

His grip on my arm loosened. 

_ Two...  _

His eyes squeezed closed and he shook his head.  __

_ O-  _

I was being pulled towards the exit by my hand. 

“Lets go,” Ethan said gruffly as he laced out fingers together in a tight hold. 

My heart fluttered,  _ Good enough. _

I wish I was stronger. God, do I wish I was strong enough to pull away from the blackhole that is Ethan Ramsey but I couldn’t. His gravitational pull was too strong. I was and will forever be sucked in. I had a probably perfectly nice boy waiting for me in the other room with a promise of mutual affection. And what did I do? 

I got into Ethan’s car. 

On the drive we sat in silence, Ethan’s hand never freeing mine except to start the car. The purple and pink evening Boston sky passed by the window. I smiled at the people out the window who were still going about their day and, for the first time in months, I was content. Content with my feelings that never seemed to fade away no matter how hard I tried. Content that he feels the same way. Content that this is an actionable promise that we  _ can _ be something. 

I noticed Edenbrook pass in the distance. My eyebrows furrowed as I realized we were getting further from his apartment complex. The other all-too-familiar street now coming into view.

“Ethan, what the fuck. You’re taking me home?” 

He said nothing.

“I thought…” I trailed off, mentally chastising myself for thinking he’d actually give in and let ourselves be happy. I huffed, “So I can’t have fun  _ and  _ I can’t have you. That seems fair…” I tried to free my hand but he held onto me tighter. 

A few moments of time passed in the dead silence of his car. Ethan was focused on the road ahead and I was trapped in limbo. Again. 

“Are you gonna say anything?” I bit, clearly needing an explanation for this round of betrayal. 

He opened his mouth slightly but nothing came out. My unencumbered rage started bubbling over like an active volcano. 

_ WHAT THE FUCK!!! _

“Let me out, Ethan.” I said sternly and yanked my hand out of his. His hand now left palm up on the center console as he kept driving. 

And he wasn’t slowing down. 

I rose my voice through gritted teeth, “Let me out of the fucking car right now.” 

Still the side streets passed behind us at a steady pace. Surely he was ignoring me. 

My red hot anger reached my ears when I yelled, “Doctor!  _ Ramsey _ !” 

Ethan jumped bringing both hands securely on the steering wheel. Within thirty seconds he pulled the car over. Panic set in and I needed to use all my strength to control my breathing. 

_ Not again. He’s not doing this to me again.  _

As soon as the car stopped at the curb I unbuckled my seat-belt.

Still staring out the windshield and white knuckles gripping the wheel he begged, “Please let me get you home safely.” 

I scoffed, “I can take care of myself.” 

_ What the fuck does he want from me?  _

He pinched the bridge of his nose as he sighed, “I know.”

I looked over at him completely dumbfounded.  _ If we weren’t going to be anything he should just let me move the hell on.  _

“I’m not your responsibility,” I said honestly through my rage as I moved to get out of the car. “I know deep down you want to help but you’re not. You’re making things worse.” I looked over at him. His fingers left his nose and he started to sit up straighter at my words. “You - You…” 

I wanted to tell him he’s broken my heart over and over again. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him and that if he just promised me we’d give us a proper try I’d forgive him. But I didn’t, because saying those words out loud wouldn’t change a thing. Everything with Ethan was inevitably complicated. 

He looked over at me for the first time since the tavern. The whites of his eyes were starting to go red and my chest began to ache at the sight. He shakily asked, “I… what?” 

_ Why do you keep doing this to yourself?  _

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.” Furiously I pulled the door handle and jumped out of the car as best as my dress would allow. The air in the car was suffocating. 

Behind me I heard the car shut off and a loud slam of the door. There were two beeps alerting me that Ethan did indeed leave his car in the no parking zone. Heavy footfalls caught up to me on the sidewalk accompanied by the uneven huffs of breath from the brisk jog. 

“Let me walk with you. Please.” 

We were only a 10 minutes walk away from my place. As mad as I was at Ethan for the false pretenses, I was angrier at myself for falling for it. For letting him have me unconditionally. The thought of going through this same old cycle with him again and again made me nauseous. 

_ I can’t do this anymore.  _

“Stop,” we both ceased our movements at my definitive tone. Turning to Ethan I saw the storm brewing within. Frankly, I didn’t give a damn. “You’re not listening to me.” 

His eyes widened like that of a scolded child. 

My next words were frank and to the point, “I cannot do this anymore. You cannot turn up and pretend you care when it’s convenient for you.” 

“I do -” 

“No.” I shook my head. “You’re self-serving,” the words fell quickly off my expert lips. “Choose me or lose me, Ramsey. You don’t get both.” 

I paused my rant for a brief second expecting the rebuttal that never came. 

“I’m confused enough as it is,” I continued. “Jus - Just get back in your car and find me when you figure your shit out.” I bit my lip before harshly saying, “I’ll be fine without you.” 

There on the narrow street on a Tuesday evening in Boston my chest tightened as I took one final look at the man I once trusted above all else. His hair windswept, cheeks flush, shoulders slumped in defeat and...

His hand twitched at his side beginning to reach out for mine. But I was quicker on my heels, turning around and storming off.

The last thing I heard as I sauntered off with a heavy heart was the unlocking of a car. 

  
  
  


“Hey, I thought you had a date tonight?” Sienna asked from the kitchen when she saw me cross the threshold of our apartment. 

“It didn’t happen,” I said flatly. 

“Oh no!” My dearest friend started moving around the kitchen, pulling out all the comfort food we had on tap - a pint of ice cream, cookies she had made earlier that evening, a bag of popcorn - all because she thought I was stood up. 

“I…”  _ Fuck how do I tell her? _ “didn’t make it.” 

Sienna stopped in her tracks and her light brown eyes looked up in confusion, “Huh?” 

I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do. Sienna’s the only person who would understand, she did catch him sneaking out of my room that last morning. She’s also the only person whose opinion matters most to me. My stomach tied in knots as I sighed, “Ethan…” 

“What!” she practically shouted. Luckily the others were in their rooms for the night otherwise it would have been a very awkward conversation between us. Having to tell Aurora about Ethan is another certain kind of hell I’d rather not deal with any time soon. 

“He was at the bar,” I began to explain in complete exasperation. “Of course he was at the bar, of all the bars in Boston he had to choose this one tonight.” I threw my hands in the air for dramatic effect. The irony isn’t lost on me; I agreed to The Happenstance because I knew I wouldn’t run into anyone I know and yet the one person I absolutely never would have wanted to see was already there. “He stopped me before I could meet the guy.” 

There was a hopeful gleam in Sienna’s eyes, “And?” 

“And he had the audacity to drive me home.” I made a ‘here I am’ motion with my arms. 

“That’s it?” she pouted, obviously wanting this story to have a happy ending. 

I leaned my arms on the counter and rested my head in my hands, trying to rub the evening out of my eyes and the weight of what I’d said finally sinking in. 

“I told him to leave me alone until he got his shit straight. I’m done with him,” my voice cracked at the end and I hoped Sienna didn’t hear it. 

If she did, she didn’t let on because her next question was, “Then… why don’t you call that guy and tell him something came up at the hospital?” 

Why wasn’t I going to call Cameron? Well for starters I was embarrassed for standing him up - no fake medical emergency could blow that over. I also never wanted to set foot in another bar again - Ethan can set claim to every bar in the state for all I care. I don’t want to see him outside of work ever again. 

_ If you don’t want anything to do with him why do you feel so guilty?  _

With a weighted sigh I said, “I think I’m just gonna go to bed.” 

  
  


And that’s the story of how I pushed the man I loved away.


	6. Chapter 6

Blue surrounded me in the darkness, warmth enveloped me like the sweet embrace of my distant lover. His hands lingered on my nearly bare skin; soft-tipped fingers brushing light as a feather from my knee up to the blade of my shoulder. My body cherished his touch; clung to the sensation that pricked my skin when his sultry breaths cascaded down my neck. 

_ Mm.  _

I rolled around to face him, my mind and eyes still foggy with sleep. 

Just as I was getting close, he stopped all motions. 

My eyes rushed open but I couldn’t see a damn thing. The bedroom was still awfully dark; the thick velvet, turquoise-colored blinds of this strange apart-hotel kept any daring ray of light from escaping into my sanctuary. I stretched my arms out from my place in the middle of the bed, feeling the spaces next to me -  _ cool sheets _ . The plump, navy duvet was cuddled deep around me like a burrito and my core ached. 

_ It was all a dream.  _

A long, disappointed breath of air left my lungs just as my stomach rumbled. I lifted my head to check the time on the golden digital alarm clock that sat at my bedside table,  **6:17AM** . Nearly seven hours after I said a long-awaited final goodbye to Ryan Cohen. 

_ Ugh, too early.  _

I lazily rolled over to the far side of the bed, burrowing my clammy face into a pillow. I wanted so desperately to chase the erotic dream I just had - live in the fantasy for as long as my body would allow -  _ and  _ catch two more hours of sleep. But the swift motion woke my booze bloated bladder. 

_ Why…  _ I sighed to myself. 

I put off getting out of bed for as long as possible but nature called. I peeked through last night’s mascara laden lashes to see the clock now read 6:28AM. 

Crawling out of bed, I shuffled my way out into the golden morning light towards our shared bathroom. One of us must have stupidly left the curtains open all night because the second I pulled open my door I was blinded by the harsh morning rays. Being 26 floors up is cool and all, but it also means you’re closer to the sun... My hands flew to shield my delicate pupils with a dignified  _ hiss  _ as my sweaty bare feet continued pattering against the cool floor on the mission of sweet relief. 

One  _ slap _ of the pad of my foot to the laminate wood floor. 

Two  _ slaps _ . 

Another slap and _ \- Oof! _

Before I knew it I was stopped in my tracks by a broad obstacle with the familiar and delicious scent of warm sandalwood. 

“Mm,” I reflexively moaned, recalling the naughty actions of my inner conscious as the salacious scent wafted around me. 

While in my self-inflicted obscurity, I felt his two large hands brush my barely clothed hips and make their way to rest firmly on my waist, keeping me from toppling over on impact. 

Unwilling and groggily, I tore my hands away from my face and noticed Ethan and I had bumped into one another outside the bathroom. My body was smacked right up against his bare chest. 

I tried - I tried  _ so hard _ not to look - but that man smelled so  _ damn _ good and has the most envious of figures. His thick brown hair was standing up in all directions, the golden sunrise bringing out flecks of bronze, and his matching sky eyes were vast and unclouded like a clear day; the consciousness of reality had yet to hit him. From what I could deduce, he’d also just rolled out of bed. 

My hands had rested on his massive flexed biceps, aware of every twitch as blood flowed throughout his veins. My doe eyes trailed over him, gradually comparing delusion to reality - I could  _ feel  _ my pupils dilating and Ethan’s fierce gaze on me. His pecs were glistening, the trail of deep brown hair still perfectly in place along his chiseled abs leading to his… 

I swallowed hard; Ethan’s blue and orange sleeping shorts were hanging low on his hips and calling attention to those  _ god given _ outlines. Every defined muscle was on display in a morning sheen that was so distinctly Ethan and… 

_ Stop it, you creep!  _

I averted my eyes down to stare at our less sexualizing feet and motioned for him to go first. Ethan’s hands fell from their fixed place on my body; he took a stagnant step back and disappeared into the bathroom. 

_ Oh god, he totally knows I was staring…  _

Instead of waiting outside the bathroom for him to finish and dissecting this interaction, like a crazy person would do, I bounded over to the kitchenette. The star piece of equipment was the bigger-than-necessary Nespresso machine in the middle of the counter. Trying to put the embarrassment of the last five minutes behind me, I started a pot of coffee for us and flipped over the room service menu as the wannabe-artisan coffee brewed. The Nespresso coffee wasn’t great but it was enough to bring me to my rightful senses. 

I was sitting with legs folded at the dining table when Ethan sauntered out of the bathroom ten minutes later and I could  _ finally _ pee. I really didn’t expect to see him this early - at least I hoped to be somewhat dressed or showered at the very least, and not in an old baggy band tee and cotton hiphugger underwear.

“Your coffee’s on the counter,” I said as I brushed past him. “I’m gonna order an omelette for breakfast, have a look at the menu if you want anything.” I didn’t wait for a response before shutting the bathroom door with a  _ click  _ of the lock. 

Once the first order of business had been attended to, I stood in front of the large square mirror and took in my appearance: blackened racoon eyes from not wiping my makeup off, pink stained lips, frizzy baby hairs sticking up like a halo sent from a thorny hell. 

_ Why do I do this to myself?  _

I tried to wash my face as best I could without needing to soak for a while. I ran my fingers through my matted waves and it did  _ nothing _ . Many minutes after freshening up a bit - a mostly failed attempt at trying very hard not to look like I drank an entire magnum last night - I emerged. 

At the table across from my half-full mug of coffee Ethan now sat with a fitted white v-neck t-shirt on. It seems we both had the same idea to put ourselves together - the half dressed and graceful morning eyed versions of ourselves were a luxury saved for only the most intimate of companions. I slipped into my room, immediately flopping down onto my bed and groaned at the ceiling. 

_ Fuck. This is going to be a long day.  _

Last night’s kiss brought latent feelings to light. Tell me honestly, was I wrong to let him go? The push and pull was getting to be  _ way _ too much. But seeing Ryan again put everything into perspective, and ultimately led to that bawdy visualization of us together again.  _ Would _ this mess be worth it? 

I moved at a slug’s pace over to my vanity and brushed the sleep out of my hair, then scoured the floor for yesterday’s discarded shorts and made sure to twist my braless nipples just in case they betrayed me in his presence. The old grey Panic! At The Disco tee was baggy enough it shouldn’t call attention to their outline, but who the hell knows anymore! Especially with Ethan around. Things are  _ so _ unpredictable. 

_ Stop thinking about him!  _

The revelation from last night that I was wrong to push him away all those weeks ago had been eating at my brain.  _ How much sweeter would this weekend be if there wasn’t all this tension?  _

When I came out 15 minutes later breakfast was being served. My ravenous stomach and keen nose led me to an omelette waiting next to my now full coffee mug, along with whole wheat toast in between our place settings, a happy side of bacon, and the savory smell of tomatoes of Ethan’s shakshuka that he was pushing around the plate. 

“How’d you know I wanted the ham and cheese omelette?” I asked as I took my place across from him. 

He looked up at me with indifferent eyes. “There were only two options, Rookie. I doubted you’d want a salad for breakfast?”

He was right -  _ of course _ he was right. The options were ham and cheese or vegetable, and he knew just how much disdain I held for breakfast vegetables. He learned that… the morning after our first night together. Before I headed out to study he was going to order two Full English Breakfasts from the cafe down the road, but I proceeded to rant about how mushrooms and beans do  _ not  _ belong on the breakfast table. Instead, with a signature smirk and shake of his beautiful big head, he ordered pancakes, eggs and bacon like a true American. 

“What’s the plan for today?” I asked, taking a bite of shared crispy bacon. 

“We need to be at Cornell at 11. Our keynote is at noon. And the student panel is at 4,” he recited like a robot. 

I nodded my head in definite recognition. 

He slid the small leaflet of papers he kept glancing at over to me. “I highlighted your parts, feel free to take liberties in the explanation.” 

“Thanks,” I responded as I reached out for the scrawled sheets. They were a mix of typed paragraphs and his fluid chicken scratch annotations along the margins in red and black pen. 

We sat eating in silence as I flipped through the three pages over and over again. It was too early for the words to set in but that didn’t stop me from pretending to be engrossed in his written words. I  _ wish _ I brought my phone out here. At least it wouldn’t be as awkward to mindlessly scroll through Pictagram and pretend to ignore him, than it is sitting here not sure of what to say. 

His little outburst last night was unexpected. Maybe - and I’m hoping here - it was just the alcohol that flowed through my veins, making me think he was being standoffish. I thought things were better between us at the hotel bar? Unless that too was the alcohol conjuring up normalcy. I couldn’t have imagined that hopeful gleam in his eye when he found me alone. He came over too quickly, like he was seeking me out. 

If Ryan hadn’t been present would we have made up? Would Ethan even give me another chance after I humiliated him back in Boston? It’s been a few weeks since the night I broke his heart, has he finally sorted his shit out? Have  _ I _ ? 

_ Stop romanticising it. Nothing good can come from falling back onto Ethan Fucking Ramsey.  _

I know. I  _ know _ we’ve had this conversation before. I made the decision for us. I stopped letting myself fall for the hoax of Ethan. I want more. I want something real. I deserve someone to love me blatantly and shamelessly.  _ Then why the  _ fuck _ are my heart strings still tangled around him? _ Am I stupid for saying I’d give up everything for an emotionally unavailable man? 

How fucked up is that?

The cumbersome fog of uncertainty building up around us as we ate was stifling. I tried to cut through it with lousy small talk;

“So… how did you sleep?” my eyes were fixed on my omelette, slicing up little pieces with the side of my fork.

“Perfectly fine,” he assured me flatly and with disinterest. “I assume the rest of your evening went well?” 

_ Yeah, totally.  _

The reality was I spent a solid 90 minutes wondering why he was mad at me and replaying our lack-of-love story, over and over again. _No big deal…_ I wanted to reveal my unfiltered thoughts, to candidly speak with him once again. But we weren’t in a position to be friends, apparently. We were colleagues who don’t talk about anything but work. That’s what we wanted. Right? 

“Good, yeah,” I nodded, reaching for my coffee. “It was good to catch up with everyone again.”

The friendly conversation died there. I desperately wanted to ask him what pissed him off so much last night but thought better of it -  _ I don’t wanna start this long ass day on his bad side.  _

We endured a few more minutes of dead air, save for the scrapes of forks against porcelain plates and  _ clunk _ s of heavy mugs to the table. My curious mind cut through the tension again with a more appropriate topic, “Is there anything I should be weary of today? Like, how do these things work?” 

“We go and present our findings,” he said matter-of-factly like I was a five year old asking a stupid question. He caught my eye roll and continued. “Then a bunch of overeager doctors and representatives will ask questions or try to sell us something.” 

“And that’s a bad thing?” I quizzed. 

He took a long drawl of coffee before responding, “We need to be careful of which questions we answer.” 

I shot him an inquisitive look. 

Ethan set his mug down, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest. “For starters, we cannot confirm that the patient is Naveen. Word may have spread through the insidious grapevine,” he didn’t try to hide his distaste and it brought a ghost of a smirk to my lips -  _ Ethan would never change _ . “However, we are bound by doctor-patient confidentiality.”

I nodded in agreement as my mouth munched on another strip of bacon. 

Ethan continued, “And we must stay objective in our answers, as much as possible. Keep to our findings and don’t let personal views govern.” His eyes were glaring at me, silently telling me that I needed my rambling mouth to be on its best behavior. “The students are here for the facts, the journalist leeches are here for gossip and to take anything they can out of context.” 

My face contorted reflexively and Ethan glared a bit harder. I highly doubt journalists would treat us like we’re Meg and Harry out on the town, but whatever you say Ethan, you’re the pro. 

“Other than that?” 

He let out a breath of air, picking his fork back up. “Other than that you do what you do best; charm the audience, and show them  _ exactly _ what the future of medicine looks like.” 

My heart skipped a beat. Ethan  _ never  _ says that to my face. I've always heard his praise second and third hand. It’s nice to know he still respects me professionally. And  _ maybe  _ he has also been thinking of just how easily history could repeat itself here in this suite… 

Once our plates were empty, Ethan offered to clean off the table while I went to shower and get dressed. We reconvened in the living space an hour later and dived into practice for our keynote. 

We ran over the talking points six times. By the third run-through we had the content down pat, but apparently it wasn’t up to snuff. Ethan was sitting at the table droning on about my posture and leveling my tone of voice or emphasizing certain facts. By the fourth time, I was moving about the living room as if I was reciting a Shakespearean soliloquy and he was my director. I was determined to nail this. My career depended on how well I present my groundbreaking findings at this once-in-a-lifetime event. 

_ Game on, Rookie.  _

Ethan grabbed his briefcase, I grabbed my purse, and we walked in confident silence out of the apartment before hailing a cab to the conference.


	7. Chapter 7

The stage was a lot bigger than anticipated. I assumed we would be in a little lecture hall intimately holding 300 attendants.  _ Nope! _ Instead, there were 475 eager professionals seated in the packed auditorium and we were streaming to their internal registrar -  _ anyone _ with a Cornell Access Hub can see this. 

_ No big deal, right?  _

Ethan and I stood backstage behind the thick red velvet curtain as the moderator greeted everyone and did his introduction of the event. My mind raced, counting down the seconds and hanging onto every little word the moderator said until our cue was given. Every second that neared closer, my hands started to quiver at my sides. There was nowhere to hide them in my navy blue, cap-sleeved a-line dress. 

A shaky exhale fell from my lips, “Oh my god.” My eyes fixed on the agile motions of the moderator. 

“Breathe,” Ethan instructed in his monotone attending voice. “We’ve rehearsed this.” He didn’t turn to face me, keeping his eyes on the crowd and his hands deep in his trouser pockets. Ethan was in his trusty suit: a pristine, pressed white shirt and charcoal trousers with a sport coat and tie to match. His lackluster reassurance was not even close to the pep talk I needed from my so-called  _ mentor _ . 

I whipped my head his way, “What if I freeze up and forget my lines!?” 

A heavy sigh left Ethan’s taut chest, “You won’t.” The words were sincere, albeit laced in exasperation. Slowly he angled his body towards me, the darker shade of his sapphire blue eyes complimented my dress perfectly. Tentatively he reached out, the long calloused tips of his fingers squeezed my wrist just like he did that first day of intern year to steady my shaking before having to make an incision. 

My inadequate browns met his notorious seas. 

The next words to fall off his tongue were so soft and so earnest, if we weren’t less than a foot apart I probably wouldn’t have caught them, “You can do this.” 

It was meant to be reassuring. I  _ know _ he was trying to boost my confidence, but it just lacked the  _ oomph _ I needed in the moment. 

“I’m going to die out there,” I deadpanned. If looks could kill, my eyes were surely casting blades into his perfect face. 

Ethan scoffed, the corners of his lips slightly jolting upwards. “You won’t die.” 

“I feel like I am.” My breath was quickening as I tuned into the moderator speaking his last point in the distance. “I’m not ready for this, I’m a  _ resident _ !”

“A resident who solved the greatest medical mystery of her generation. If the Chief and I didn’t believe you could handle this we wouldn’t have accepted.” There that praise was again. Hidden behind his miffed resolve, but there nonetheless. Complimenting my abilities right to my face for the  _ second _ time that day. 

Ethan leaned in closer, the strong sandalwood of his cologne wafted around me. He squeezed my wrist tight but not enough to leave a mark, grounding me back from my panic. His eyes and facial features changed from somewhat soft and reassuring Ethan as the guarded and stoic Dr. Ramsey took hold. “Now, suck it up and let's get this over with, Dr. Lao.” 

_ It’s time for me to put on my big girl pants and play ball with my hero…  _

If my younger self could see me now, my god, she would never believe she would be giving a keynote speech at 27 with  _ The _ Ethan Ramsey. And about a case  _ I _ solved. It’s surreal and absolutely terrifying. 

_ What am I  _ doing _!  _

We walked out side by side to the podium where the moderator had just introduced us. Ethan gave a short and concise summary of our positions before handing a mic and the entire presentation over to me. 

***

I do not remember a single thing. It’s like I blacked out from the adrenaline high. 

Aside from gliding over the stage as I spoke into my microphone, I could only recall the blazing warm lights in my eyes making it hard to see the audience and then the reassuring clicks of the remote as Ethan clicked away at the slideshow details behind us. I’m fairly certain I didn’t stop talking the entire time - even regurgitating Ethan’s few parts from memory as well. If I stepped on his toes he didn’t make a fuss. Everytime I glanced over at him, he was watching me intently with that confident gleam in his eye. 

Finally, after 90 minutes of lecturing, I wrapped up our findings and motioned to Ethan to give the final statement. 

He looked so natural. His features were infused with passion; the apples of his cheeks and eyes glowing as he rattled off the importance of our work. How he lights up when he speaks of medicine and the future of healthcare, and  _ our  _ place in it. If I wasn’t already infatuated with the man, I certainly was now. 

_ Me and every other living soul in this room. _

I could clearly see how almost everyone in the front row clung to the words falling off his tongue like they were the key to divine immortality. 

The crowd erupted in applause. 

While the noise settled, the moderator appeared on stage to shake both of our hands and thank us for our time. Then he added, “We have time for a few questions.” 

As he darted back down into the crowd I moved to stand next to Ethan’s firm place behind the podium. The moderator handed his microphone over to the first hand that shot up in the third row center. I couldn’t see the person well through the bright lighting rig but the voice was certainly a deep male. 

“Dr. Ramsey,” he directed his question to my colleague with fierce certainty, “Why didn’t you consult with any of your other connections?” 

_ Well that’s rude _ . 

I shouldn’t have taken offense - I asked Ethan the same question back in the day. But coming from some stranger when we have made it explicitly clear that  _ I  _ solved the case felt like something else… like it completely overshadowed all my accomplishments. 

Ethan didn’t miss a beat as he pressed his palms into the wooden ledge of the podium. “It was the patient’s wishes to keep the team small. I consulted when necessary - such as the sepsis trial from Panacea Labs as Dr. Lao detailed earlier.” 

_ Good answer. _ Of course he wasn’t going to tell everyone Naveen chose to die and Ethan made a deal to be the only one to try and treat him, that was until I came along and forced his hand. Ethan wanted to call in every favour imaginable, but his devotion to his patient - to his  _ friend _ \- was more important than any physicians input. 

The mic was passed behind to another eager doctor in green scrubs. “What was the emotional toll of treating a close colleague with a seemingly incurable condition?” 

_ Valid point.  _ It was a doozy. 

I mean, Ethan gave up his sacred career because of it - he  _ quit  _ because medicine had failed him. He threw a little tantrum because he lost all hope and, for once in his life, didn’t have the answers. 

Are we sure it’s a resident asking and not a journalist?  _ He did say to be weary.  _

Ethan was quick to admonish, “We cannot -” 

“Please rephrase your question,” I interrupted, giving the inquisitor the benefit of the doubt. 

The red-headed woman nodded and reconsidered, “Due to the seemingly incurable condition, did this case have an emotional toll on you, Dr. Ramsey?” 

“If you aren’t affected by the suffering of your patients, you shouldn’t be a doctor,” he all but spat. I could see his right hand balling up into a fist and his manicured brows crawling closer and closer together. Annoyance was radiating off of him. “Every life matters and it is our job to fight for them.” 

_ Of course _ Mr. Anger Management would show up for the Q & A portion of the day. He couldn’t just be modest and answer a fucking question. The moderator and questioner stood stunned at the bite behind Ethan’s bark. 

_ Time to do damage control.  _

Holding my mic firmly in my grasp I diffused the awkward situation and rude reputation I surely did not want to be associated with. “I think what Dr. Ramsey is trying to say is that it’s our job to get to know our patients and, of course, not immediately knowing what caused the string of symptoms was challenging.” I elaborated with a hearty smile. For good measure, I added something I truly believe in, “However complicated the case and defeated we may feel sometimes, the patient and their well-being always comes first.” 

Out of the corner of my eye, Ethan gave a near imperceivable single nod of approval. 

Next and final question: “Dr. Lao, how did it feel to be the only person capable of solving this case?” 

_ A question directed at me! Wow!  _

Guess my charming save earned me a sliver of recognition today. 

I took a breath as I began to compose my thoughts. 

“I didn’t do it alone.” The statement came out more cavalier than I intended. “Dr. Ramsey and I spent countless days deliberating and researching together. A few residents pitched in as well. I was only able to come to the hypothesis because of the help and ideas of those around me.” I paused briefly as my eyes scanned over the crowd, 475 pairs of intrigued eyes intently on me. “In short, it was a total collaborative effort.” 

The clock struck 2PM and the moderator wrapped up with another string of gratitude. “That is all we have time for,” he announced. “Thank you, Dr. Lao. Dr. Ramsey. For being here today.” 

Ethan and I nodded back as the auditorium began emptying. The moderator came to collect the mics and clicker, letting us know how great this was and if we had any other plans for the day. I ran through our quick schedule as Ethan distanced himself from us. He moved from the podium and went to grab our bags and water bottles from where they hid behind the curtain. 

Once the moderator, Kenneth as I finally learned his name, moved along, I turned on my heels back towards stage right. Ethan stood there waiting for me, a very faint smirk hovering around his mouth. 

“You did really well…” he trailed through our silence as he handed my things to me. “I’m proud of you, Rookie,” he squeezed my arm like he did all those times before. Before we crossed any lines, and any affection was sent through small assurances and prideful glances.

My forehead was certainly sweaty from the heat of the lights, the tops of my cheeks were flushed like his, and I was on some kind of high from the event. I couldn’t help the wide toothy grin taking over my every feature. 

“Couldn’t have done any of this without you.” It was the God's honest truth. 

None of this would have happened if Ethan Ramsey didn’t exist. 

His hand lingered on me longer than it should have. Our eyes locked and searching. I was about to take another step closer to him when… 

A small voice called from below the stage, pulling us out of our appreciative trance, “Um, hi, Dr. Lao.” 

Both of the edges of our smirks faltered slightly with the interruption and Ethan finally let me go. I turned to see a petite girl nervously shifting on the balls of her feet. “Hi,” I smiled back. 

“Can I ask you a quick question?” 

“Yeah, sure.” I moved over to sit at the edge of the stage for a more private conversation. “How can I help?” 

“How did you do it?” her voice was so low like she was asking for the secret ingredient of a famous recipe. “I mean - how are you so confident? You’ve accomplished so much in your first year of residency.” 

At the time I could see a lot of my younger self in this timid student. 

“I’ve had a great support system. I have my friends that I made my intern year who I couldn’t have done without. I’ve also had amazing teachers, like that grump over there.” I pointed behind me to Ethan’s general direction. I could feel him trying not to stare and shuffling around to give us a bit of privacy. “All you need to be a great doctor is some passion and compassion.” 

She seemed to mull over that point critically, not believing it. If she was anything like me when I was twenty, she definitely put more stock in facts and took the lessons her texts tried to teach to heart. I hoped for her to learn to trust her gut instincts along with whatever principles the school has drilled into her. 

“Here let me give you my email,” I offered, holding my hand out. 

She placed her phone with the Notes app opened and I swiftly typed in my contact information. 

I smiled as I handed her phone back. “It’s my personal one so feel free to reach out any time.” 

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

Coming down from the high of the keynote, my adrenaline-fueled body stuck close to Ethan’s side as he led us out of the auditorium and into the conference center atrium. 

It was  _ packed  _ like cattle - people standing around and clamoring to get to their next lecture. A mad house really. We were bobbing through throngs of eager professionals on our way out for our lunch break; if Ethan wasn’t so damn tall I would have lost him at one point. 

We hadn’t arranged lunch plans and, frankly, I didn’t care what he was planning on doing. It’s about time Ethan and I were civilized and just fucking  _ talked _ . We almost had a moment for Christ’s sake! 

We managed to make it to a breathable space near the wall of glass windows, halfway to the exit, when Ethan was forced to stop in his tracks. 

“Dr. Ramsey! Ethan!” a thick, female New York accent called. 

And it  _ wasn’t  _ an easy-on-the-ears, hint-to-geography accent like mine. Her voice was like the coarse grating of metal on pavement accent of, like, someone from 1980s...  _ Staten Island _ . Before even turning around I could  _ just imagine _ her up-do and skin tight dress that’s less than professional. 

Ethan muttered to himself as he turned around in slow motion on the tips of his shiny, expensive leather soles. His face, on the other hand, quickly contorted from impassive to annoyed to struggling to keep his lid on. I couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t keep on walking. If Ethan Ramsey didn’t want to be bothered by this woman he sure as hell would have kept on task. 

We only have a short while for lunch and every minute counts. Especially if we’re going for a proper meal; I highly doubt Mr. Prim and Proper would be up for a dollar slice or a hero from a bodega... 

The random woman caught up to us just as Ethan fully turned around to face her little body. 

“ _ So _ good to see you!” she exclaimed, putting emphasis on the first syllable like one of those fake bitches from high school trying to butter their target up. 

“You as well, Dr. Schwab.” I could see his jaw tense, clenching and then unclenching to formulate his next words, “How have you been?” 

If this was a Acme cartoon my jaw would be on _the_ _fucking floor_. 

Now, I have known Ethan Ramsey for over a year and this man would  _ never  _ engage in vapid small talk with just anybody. This woman’s gotta have some clout or hold over this man. 

_ Who does she think she is?  _

Her conniving designer smile was blinding as she offered a small shrug to match her batting eyelashes, “Still divorced and thriving.” 

_ Nothing subtle about this lady at all…  _

Dr. Schwab was not the woman I thought she would be by the sound of her first shrill. She had deep brown highlighted hair resting at her shoulders, every strand was in place and you could tell she used a matte hairspray. In her snakeskin booties she stood at around 5’6” compared to my 5’9”. Her hazel eyes were wide and probably irritated by the false lashes they tried to hold up, she had a few creases around her eyes and forehead, but the most striking of features were her pointed nose. She can’t be much older than Ethan. As for clothes, she dressed like any wealthy woman trying too hard: wearing fitted black pants with a shimmery sheen, a patterned v-neck billowy blouse, and the stereotypical topping of a Tiffany pendant dangling between her way-too-perky breasts. Dr. Schwab wasn’t ugly, but she certainly couldn’t have been Ethan’s type. 

_ Right?  _

Her eyes never parted from Ethan’s handsomely stoic face. “I’m so glad we were booked together - I’m about to give a lecture on the new ethics of stem cells. It’s been what? Two years since the last time we were together?” The rise of the edges of her painted lips left more to be discovered in that statement. 

_ Excuse you?  _

What am I doing? I don’t  _ own  _ Ethan. 

_ Calm yourself, Rebecca. He’s not interested.  _

There I stood, hangry and confused, off to the side and wondering what could have gone down between them. By the looks of things, this cougar wanted a private examination from Dr. Ramsey, who was trying very hard to ignore the woman’s advances.

“Something like that, I couldn’t recall.” Ethan was looking past the shorter woman now and at nothing in particular. He had that glazed over look he gets when he’s trying to tune things out - much like he used to do when I’d try to explain pop culture references to his old ass. 

“Shame,” she shook her head with a small  _ tsk _ . “We should catch up over dinner. What do you say?” She reached out to squeeze Ethan’s right bicep with her acrylic talons. Her eyes were shining, like a star was stuck in the iris. It was rather unsettling. 

Ethan was curt in his rejection, “We’re quite busy.” 

“But you must take time to eat. It can be at your hotel. Just some food and drinks between old friends,” She tried to coax with another squeeze. 

How many women throughout the years have thrown themselves at Ethan Ramsey? 

And more so, how many had he accepted? 

He’s wildly attractive. He knows this. That stupid curl of his lips when he caught me staring all those times ago told me so. He also knows his adorable face is what got him out of trouble throughout his younger years. 

_ Ethan has said he was a wild teen, what was he like in the past?  _

_ What was he like before me?  _

There I was on the sidelines dreaming of a younger Ethan free of worry lines and adorning that fresh leather jacket. The younger Ethan who stole things and blew up sheds of his arch rivals. If only he were someone else… 

_ If he was, you wouldn’t be…  _

Don’t _ finish that thought, idiot. It’s just goddamn  _ infatuation _.  _

A gentle uttering of my name mixed with a spark of electric pulled me out of my thoughts and into this dull conversation. 

“Thank you for the offer but I certainly couldn’t leave Dr. Lao to dine alone.” He shrugged her off and motioned to me. His arm grazed down my spine, hovering just at my lower back. The tips of two of his fingers radiating heat through my thin fabric. 

The woman practically had to surgically remove her thirsty gaze off Ethan to acknowledge me beside him. 

Her freshly manicured hand extended towards me and her glare could have lit me on fire. 

“Dr. Hilary Schwab, cardiologist at NY Presbyterian.” She was regarding me the same way I was her. I could feel the wheels behind her caked face turning, wondering why Ethan’s hand was still on me. Why we were standing close together and just  _ why  _ he kept refusing her. 

Honestly, it made me feel  _ amazing _ . 

I didn’t do a very good job at hiding my shit-eating grin, “Dr. Rebecca Lao, diagnostics fellow at Edenbrook.” 

“Dr. Lao’s research and diagnosis is the basis for our presentation.” Ethan broke our silent showdown and folded his hand into his pocket much to my dismay. “We have a lot of work to do.” 

The bitch noticed his hand’s retraction. 

“Surely you can sneak away for an hour or two, Ethan.” Her eyes were on him; wide, enticing and batting in what I assume was supposed to be a sexy thing. “I’m sure Dr. Lao wouldn’t mind.” 

He turned to me. A slight quirk of his eyebrow, imperceivable to those who didn’t know him well. Ethan’s eyes pleaded with me. Silently begging me to save him from this ghost of Conference Past. 

As much as I was hating the competition, I wanted to continue his suffering. Watching Ethan shifting side to side as he tried to avoid this woman was hysterical. But I also knew that if he went to dinner with Dr. Schwab, her hands would not be kept to herself. 

I bit my lip toying with the idea. Deep azures locked onto light amber, pulling me back into its depths while simultaneously seeing right through me. We held onto our wordless conversation just a moment too long. Alas, I couldn’t stomach Ethan with any more unwanted attention from someone else. 

_ That’s my job.  _

Before launching into my plan of attack to get rid of her quickly, I rose a daring brow his way. Trusting me, Ethan responded with the slightest tilt of his neck. Bold and in charge, my hand snatched his, lacing our soft fingers together. There was a brief moment of hesitation on his part before agreeing to our new union. 

“I think lunch might fit better into our schedule. Wouldn’t you agree?” I pushed the façade farther, my free hand grabbed his bicep protectively. 

He raised a brow, asking and admonishing the public displays of pretend affection. Without a care, I cuddled into his side further, my body now pressed flush against him. With a silent sigh he threw the bait. 

“We are meeting Chief Fredricks for lunch today before our panel, and tomorrow we fly back to Boston early and should have a  _ relaxing _ night.” 

I nodded at his acting.  _ Look how easily he could play the doting boyfriend… _

Looking up to him, waiting for his next move, I could see the faintest pink caressing his ears. 

Selfishly, I wanted this woman to keep on pushing. Pressing him to date her so I can have him like this just a little bit longer. I forgot just how amazing he felt. The broadness of his hand and the warmth it emitted, igniting my entire body. How his muscles curve to accommodate my touch and his eyes never falling from mine. How being with him was like coming home, like the comforting embrace of your favorite blanket on a cold winter’s day. Every bit of me completely under his spell. Leaning in, I rested my head against him. The thrumming in my ear so frantic I couldn’t tell if it was my heart or his pacing erratically.

We still have a connection - it’s evident in the way we fit together.  _ God, I was so stupid. _

Never had I wished for a do-over more.

But I stupidly put the cause first. Playing pretend was fun, but nothing like the real thing. 

“I’m sorry, Hilary. We’ll have to reschedule,” I feigned apology, unconsciously caressing Ethan’s forearm. My doe eyes softened as I offered, “Maybe in another two years?” 

The narrowing of her eyes and bitterness was palpable, “Maybe.” 

Her scowl -  _ Oh my god. _ It was like I just won a platinum trophy! I battled for claim over Ethan and I  _ Won.  _ If only it meant something… 

Dr. Schwab swiftly spun away on her heels and back to wherever she was meant to be before she tried getting in Ethan’s impeccably tailored pants. 

I let out a light chortle at her retreating form just as Ethan expelled a weighted sigh. With every breath and sooner than I would have liked, reality set in. The reality where Ethan and I weren’t on friendly terms. Where we shouldn’t be standing in the middle of a crowded area deep in the others embrace. 

I reluctantly pulled back from him and went to remove my hand from his bicep. 

He squeezed my hand still clasped in his a little tighter. Ethan wasn’t looking at me as he muttered, “Thanks for the assist.” 

“Don’t mention it.” 

The sentiment lingered between us until he finally let me go. 

Neither of us knew what to say next. The atmosphere went from playful to awkward in under two seconds flat. I smoothed out my dress and he shoved his hands deep in his pockets, our eyes looking everywhere but at the other. 

It was Ethan’s matter-of-fact statement that broke our silence; 

“I am having lunch with Chief Fredericks. I’ll see you back here at 3:40?” 

_ Oh.  _ Guess I’m on my own for lunch… 

I shot him my best half-hearted, no-sweat smile, “Sure.” 

Shifting my purse on my shoulder, I bolted for the exit in the quickest nonchalant way possible. The air in the atrium was stifling and hot and uncomfortable and I just needed  _ out of here _ .

The refreshing crisp smell of autumn hit my nostrils first as I pushed the glass door open. A small respite until New York engulfed me. Endlessly honking horns, whooshing of the subway rattling below, loud pedestrians barging about their days, the distinct smell of peanuts and B.O. All of it the perfect culmination of white noise, aiding my racing mind as I walked towards Central Park. 

That back there was weird. 

That was  _ so  _ weird. 

But it felt so right.  _ Right?  _

I needed to do something to keep my mind off the feeling of his hand in mine and the  _ oh so delicious _ sight of this morning coming back up like some weird sexy regurgitation after feeling his body against mine for the first time in  _ ages _ . 

_ Stop. Don’t go there, dumbass _ . 

_ No! _ I mentally threw a toddler tantrum at myself.  _ I want to go there with him! I want everything with him! But I can’t have it because I’m stupid! We’re both so fucking stupid it’s unfair!  _

_ Ahhhhhhh!  _

_ Humph.  _

To cheer myself up I did a complete 180 and stormed up to Lavian’s, grabbing a box of six comfort cookies. Then I proceeded to spend the rest of my lunch break window shopping up and down 5th Ave for the next hour and a half. Pretty shiny things never fail and are sure to make me happy. An emotional rollercoaster of today deserves something delight-inducing. Being in $100k of student debt means I’m too poor for the things that make me happy, so I wandered as far as Victoria’s Secret. 

With a shrug and a lick of my crumb covered fingers, I figured I’d go in and lose myself among the fantasy. 

At 3:15PM me, my iconic candy striped bag and the three surviving cookies made our way back to the convention happier than before. I sauntered up the steps into the noticeably more quiet atrium. There must’ve been other lectures in session because I could actually see Ethan waiting across the congregation for me. His arms were folded over his chest and eyes locked on his watch, stewing in impatience.

He turned in my direction the second my heels clacked off the tile. It was as if he knew the sound of my footsteps even meters away. My chest warmed but was replaced by guilt immediately. 

The moment his bright baby blues landed on me - lingering on the bag of spoils a little too long - I knew I was being judged. The crease between his brows was present and matched with a light glimmer of  _ something  _ I couldn’t place. 

“You went shopping?” 

“Want a cookie?” I smiled, brushing off the criticism and offering him the box. “They’re the best in the city.” 

He shook his head halfway and I swear he could have killed me with his eye roll. “Later.” He spun around and stalked off. “Come on.” 

“They’re not gonna make it to ‘later’,” I mumbled. 

***

Now this is what I thought the keynote was going to be like. We’re in a smaller auditorium, no one’s filming and you can tell no one in the room is over 35. It’s all students and I feel at ease. These are my people. I was _ literally _ them a short while ago. 

The panel followed a similar format to the keynote just a lot more relaxed: a different moderator than before introduced us, Ethan gave a brief overview of his career and our keynote. I sat there and smiled, introduced myself after him and let the students begin asking questions. 

Unlike earlier, I could see the questioner perfectly. First up was a young man in a sports coat and sandy blonde hair. 

“Dr. Ramsey, why was Dr. Lao the only doctor consulted? As a renowned attending, surely you had more qualified colleagues to ask?” 

_ Not this again _ . Why do they keep questioning me? 

I’m starting to see what Ethan meant by overshadowing my career... 

Without a second to mull over his answer, the words fell off his skilled tongue, “Firstly, you should apologize to Dr. Lao for questioning her capability.” 

My eyes went wide. 

Ethan didn’t give anyone a chance to rebuke. 

“The patient wanted to keep the team small and I needed help,” he simplified the reason as he crossed his arms over his chest. Ethan  _ was not  _ amused. “Dr. Lao was the perfect partner for this case. Her lack of tenure was not a disadvantage, it’s her dedication and compassion which served the patient best.” 

Another raving review. He better stop before my head gets too big. If I knew he’d be showering me in compliments I would’ve pushed conference appearances  _ ages _ ago. 

The next question came from a small woman with a thick European accent: “You said you broke rules and hospital policy to treat Patient X, can you elaborate on this and your thought process behind it?”

There were  _ so  _ many barriers we crossed. Admitting Naveen into the new under-construction wing, keeping it off the books, sneaking into the lab floor to use the equipment without running it through insurance...

Ethan looked at me, motioning with a single finger. 

“Uh. Yes,” I began the very teetering explanation of events. “The patient was admitted under a pseudonym due to the nature of the individual. It was for their right to privacy. Though this is not a common practice.” 

I glanced to Ethan to see if I should continue talking about all the other unethical things we did. 

He shook his head just once. 

“Sometimes we have to break the rules for the best interest of the patient,” I continued with restored confidence. “As long as you're not crossing any ethical boundaries you’ll be fine.” 

Suddenly, a deep gregarious voice vibrated through the auditorium, startling us all. 

“Dr. Lao, didn’t you kill a patient?” Someone yelled from the back. 

Ethan’s eyes clouded over, the vein in his neck protruding, his hands balled into tight fists under the table and his shoulders squared as he sat up stark straight. If I didn’t know him well enough, I would have thought he’d jump over the table and knock the guy out to protect my honor. Before he could say something disastrous and unprofessional, I reached over and touched his thigh lightly. His fingers loosened in his palms. 

I gulped as I corrected my posture. No amount of deep breaths and prep prepared me for a question on Mrs. Martinez. How did these people even know about that!?

Between Ethan staring ahead at the crowd, undoubtedly trying to find the culprit, and every single pair of eyes boring into me and at the edge of their seat awaiting my answer, beads of sweat culminated on my forehead and my hands began to shake. I folded my arms across the desk and leaned to stabilize myself. 

_ Breath. One, two. Go.  _

“I did not,” I expelled the words quickly and as eloquently as my racing heart would allow. “And anyway that’s a story for another time, please keep your questions limited to our phage therapy case.” A hollow smile took residency on my lips, trying my best not to wallow in this sick turn of events. Out of the corner of my eye Ethan was locked on me, imploring my every subtle reaction as I leaned back and sunk into my chair. 

_ Swallow me up, cruel world, and just let me disappear..  _

The next question was just as brash as the unwarranted outburst: “I’m sure we are all aware that Patient X is Dr. Naveen Banerji, how did this affect your treatment of him as a patient?” a cocky kid in jeans and a blazer asked. 

“If you would like to be a doctor, please consult your lectures on HIPPA.” Ethan’s words were harsh and the moderator moved onto another question. 

“How did Patient X’s comorbidities impact his treatment and symptoms?”

Ethan answered this one as well; “As with any symptoms the goal is to find the cause and treat it as swiftly as possible. We were treating the symptoms as stand-alone’s until Dr. Lao cleverly diagnosed the phage and bacteria.” 

I stopped fiddling with the silver ring that sat on my left pointer finger and tuned into his velvety voice. The way he said my name, a gentle coax, encouraged me to speak up and add my account. 

“Sepsis and the blood-brain infection were the most challenging to treat. With the sepsis trial we did see an improvement to the patients numbers but not enough to rule it out as the root cause.” 

The young professional followed up with, “Was it tedious not knowing what caused the illness for months?” 

“Of course. What doctor likes to tell a patient they’re dying and there’s nothing we can do?” I scoffed dryly. “I think we should always do as much as we can and never give up.” 

Taking a small pause to gather the rest of my thoughts and a swift glance around the room reminded me of what was really important. Of what I needed to hear back when I was in med school. 

“Even if it means fighting the inevitable.” 

Our eyes met. Ethan’s deep blues solidifying what’s important, while mine couldn’t quite possibly encompass every fibre of appreciation I hold for him. 

If we weren’t on display for all to see it would have been the perfect opportunity to tell him I’m sorry. 

Luckily, the next question broke our trance and was practically a walk in the park; “What are you two working on next?” 

“I will be releasing another book late next year.” Ethan’s answer was awarded a small round of applause and cheers. 

While I chuckled with honesty, “I’m just trying to survive juggling residency and my new position on the diagnostics team.” 

Part of the room erupted in laughter. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the evening after the keynote and they go out for a civil dinner date.

After we finished up the panel I stuck around the conference hall to network whilst Ethan had ditched the crowd at the first opportunity he got, heading back to our hotel room and venturing away from the pecking vultures. To be honest, I didn’t really blame him. Everyone wanted a piece of the poor,  _ well-endowed _ man. 

A couple hours later, I shuffled back into our apartment. My aching feet somehow prevailed without causing me to collapse on the odd geometric carpet floor, or ditching my heels along the way and walking barefoot like some uncultured frosh stumbling home at 3AM. Once through the heavy metal plated door, I headed straight to my room, not throwing a single pleasantry towards Ethan in the seating area. From what I could tell he was typing furiously on his laptop after nursing a scotch - the empty crystal tumbler on the table was a dead giveaway. 

The anxiety and delirium inducing stress of the day lifted the second my kinda-sweaty body collapsed onto the private armchair in my room, clutching its aqua-colored arms and sinking into the velvet cushion. Staring out at the familiar skyline my mind started to replay the happenings of the day; every little thing that happened - from the confidence I felt during our speech, to the way that asshole called me out, and how Ethan stood up for me every step of the way. How proud he was even if he relayed the sentiment in such small words. 

We survived today. We haven’t strangled each other nor suffered any little deaths. All that’s left for this trip is the tour we have tomorrow morning, and then we’ll be on our way back to Edenbrook. Back to the way things were… 

Somehow my tired and self destructive brain decided it wanted to revel in the memories of the last few days. Thinking about all the non-work things that happened this trip. Thinking of all the words shared, and the blast from the past. And the revelation that little adventure birthed. 

_ Fuck me... _

Things are weird. Like,  _ so weird _ . I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m even thinking this… but _ I miss him _ . Today showed me how great we are together! Professionally and as friends. We’re the dynamic duo: Ramsey and his Rookie.  _ His _ . I - 

_ I need to stop thinking that.  _

I belong to myself. I do what I want when I want and with whom I want. 

And so does he. And that’s why I walked away. I’m- 

I’m still getting over him. 

While simultaneously trying to get under him… 

Thoughts wandered back to Ryan and how long it took me to get over the detrimental ‘what if’s of him. If I held on tighter and longer and didn’t get in the way of myself back then - if one thing was different -  _ everything _ could be different. 

A small, revelatory gasp escaped me. 

I didn’t  _ want _ things to be different. 

After eight  _ fucking _ years I finally understood. 

If I didn’t love and lose Ryan I never would have found my way to Boston. To Ethan. And here - knowing what I do and having all the experiences of the last few months - I couldn’t continue a life  _ without _ knowing Ethan Ramsey. 

_ I’m going to do whatever I can to repair our friendship. _

I changed my clothes into something not requiring heels - black skinny jeans, a blouse and my trusty Chelsea boots - and my hair pulled back into a bun. Simple, sleek, and completely me. No pomp and circumstance, or hiding behind anything. Just me, making an effort. 

With all the determination I could muster I sauntered into the living room where I assumed Ethan would still be. 

I was right; he hadn’t changed positions at all. Sitting there on the couch, his feet up on the gaudy footstool with his laptop perched on his lap, tortoise-patterned glasses framing his face, and furiously typing on the keyboard. 

“So...” I trailed awkwardly to break the tension surrounding him, leaning against the wall with my hands stuffed in my armpits. “What do you want to do for dinner?” 

“Oh,” He planted his feet on the floor and turned to face me fully, moving his laptop off of him and folding his arms in his lap. “Uh, well-”

Quickly I added, “If you’d rather eat alone it’s fine by me. I was thinking of grabbing pizza at John’s.” 

Ethan nodded in response, saying, “Sounds good.”

“Cool,” I nodded back. “You ready or…?”

“Let me grab my things,” he stood, collected his things and headed to his room.

Less than two minutes later we headed out of the apartment together, walking side by side. Though this time wasn’t like earlier. There wasn’t the blind determination and need to impress like this morning. Right now we were two people who used to know one another going out to dinner in a spectacular converted synagogue. 

***

For anyone who doesn’t know John’s, it’s a local family-style pizza joint. There’s three restaurants around the city and the Times Square location is by far the  _ best. _ Every time I have a hot minute to spare I try to go - the stained glass and craftsmanship of the building is everything! But you don’t want to hear about that… and neither did Ethan when I tried to fill the silence during our walk with all the reasons to love this place. For some reason he preferred to barge and weave in silence. 

_ Whatever.  _

Lucky enough he was more chatty once we were seated. 

Our table was in the mezzanine with not much of a view besides the stone staircase in the corner and the large dome towering above. The dim lighting complimented the deep wooden table and beige upholstered seating. 

We ordered. And without the menu to keep our attention, I tried my hand at conversation once more. 

“Be honest, how did we do?”

Looking me in the eyes, ones that mirrored mine, showed such confidence and pride as he said his next words;

“You handled it well, Becca.” There was a tug at the corners of his mouth that pulled at my own. I was about to get a rare Ramsey smile - one I’ve been devoid of for far too long. 

“Dare I even say, like a natural.” 

I got to revel in the small compliment for a few moments as the server brought over our food - garlic knots, small veggie pizza, and a chef’s side salad. 

“I didn’t stutter too much or come off too young?” I couldn’t help but ask when it was just us two again. His opinion matters more than anyone else’s when it comes to my career. 

“You did.” 

“But you -” 

He cut me off, a slight shake of his big head, “You  _ are _ young and this was your first keynote.” he clarified. And once more he said pridefully, “You did well.” 

After what felt like ages we shared a private smile. How he was able to bring me back into myself with a few words and stop fussing over imposter syndrome is a wonder. 

“Now eat some pizza and be happy.” 

My smile grew to a goofy one by the way he was looking at me, bemused. I refrained from sticking my tongue out and dug into a little slice of heaven. “Don’t have to tell me twice.”

We dug in. Letting the flavors dance over my taste buds and make me only as happy as a New York slice could make me. No amount of fantastic sex could compare to  _ pizza _ . Everything kind of disappeared - time stopped while the first bites settled in my tummy. Even Ethan looked to be enjoying it even though it’s not fancy smancy and artery clogging. 

Eventually I broke our companioned silence;

“How was lunch with Chief Fredericks?” I asked as I reached for a scrumptious ball of garlicy dough. 

The response left his lips so swiftly he didn’t even bother to look up from his plate; 

“Informative.”

I scoffed at the non-answer answer. 

My little grumble pulled him out of his bubble and he looked over at me - those  _ damn _ baby blues challenging my thoughtfully indecent outburst. I just gave him a look right back. 

Ethan rolled his eyes and reached for another slice. Cutting it up with a fork and knife like an absolute weirdo. 

“He heard about the state budget cuts. Wanted to know what I think and if I’d be open to consult every so often.” 

“And?” I probed. 

“And what? You know how I feel about the future of Edenbrook.” 

“Yes. But if it goes under, what do you think you’ll do? I mean, everyone’s going to be throwing themselves at you.” 

I shoved some greenery in my gob to keep from adding the jarring truth. 

_ Everyone throws themselves at you.  _

_ But who he gives his attention to is another story.  _

Ethan shrugged ever so nonchalantly, “I haven’t thought about it.” 

The cavalier way he was speaking of his life after Edenbrook had thrown me off. Ethan was  _ never  _ this laid-back. It just wasn’t in his nature. There’s always  _ something  _ for this man to stress over. And Edenbrook’s closing should be his anxiety numero uno. 

But here he was, ever so calm. 

_ Hmm... _

“Are you in denial?” I said through a bite, fully anticipating another non-answer. 

“Maybe.” 

The way he said it took me aback. It was inherently honest and  _ soft _ . All of his jagged features were rounded and there was a dulled little twinkle in his eye. 

_ Yeah, something’s going on here he’s not telling me.  _

“Ethan -” 

And of course he deflects by turning the conversation on me; “What are you going to do?” 

Keeping from rolling my eyes at his obvious deflection from roaming into his feelings deeper, I replied, “Transfer my residency.” 

“Where?” 

“I…” -  _ dammit -  _ “don’t know.”

I haven’t really dwelled on what happens when the hospital closes. Obviously I need to finish residency if I want to be an actual practicing doctor. But the matching process can go screw itself. I don’t never ever want to do that again - all I cared about was matching with the best. And I did. So who’s the second best now? 

_ Is it wherever  _ he  _ goes?  _

There’s just so much to think about, and I’d really rather not. Not until the last few nails are lined up against the coffin. 

“See,” he said with a hint of a lopsided grin, “Neither of us are ready to leave Edenbrook behind.” 

He was right.  _ Of course _ he’s right. You didn’t need to be a diagnostician or even a doctor to see that we’re holding out hope of a buyout. 

I’ve just gotten to Edenbrook - only a few months into my dream career with my dream boss - and now, what? It’s all over before it even really began? No. I can’t accept that. 

There was a beat of silence as we both reached for the salad tongs, our hands brushing on accident. Both our eyes shot to bear witness to the contact, pulling us out of whatever ran wild through our thoughts and into this new, secluded moment. Everything around us dulled in the distance; the sounds swirling in the air muted and like a faint breeze. The warm lighting dimmed further, yet there was a spotlight on the salad bowl. The greens and reds and purples of the ruffage illuminated like it was the only thing that mattered. Like right now the earth was spinning just for this moment of closeness. 

Surprisingly, neither of us made a motion to move. His large hand overlapping my dainty fingers, the metal underneath the pads of my fingers warming up instantly. Electricity still coursed through me like the very first time. Except now it carried the memories of all the other times and places he set me aflame. 

I had to be the one to pull back. 

Almost, like it needed time to comprehend why the moment was intentionally ruined, the atmosphere around us began to revert back slightly. I could hear the idle chatter of those around us now. I could see the full picture of Ethan sitting across from me and all the individuals pattering around behind him. What couldn’t pretend to go back and hung off kilter was the beating in my chest - I could feel the electricity coursing through my veins and putting my heart through the ringer. 

Ethan made up for it by serving me. 

_ Does he know he still has such an effect on me?  _

Quick! I needed to divert my thoughts off of the creeping flush and want from taking hold. So I went back to talking about work, our safe topic. 

“If you could work anywhere else in the world where would it be?” I asked. 

Ethan took a moment to think as he served himself some salad. He looked like he was actually thinking of an answer, maybe, for the first time he’s digested the hospital’s fate. 

“I think the next logical step would be the Mayo Clinic. They’re the best diagnostics in the world.” His eyes diverted back down to his plate and, after a beat, he added, “I also wouldn’t mind spending more time on missions with The WHO.”

My eyes searched his as they looked anywhere but where I was seated across from him, trying to find any sort of fault in his features. Something,  _ anything _ , that I could hold onto. Nothing. Just stupid sincerity. The first  _ fucking _ time in weeks he actually lets us talk about his time in the Amazon I can’t be mad at him. 

“You really enjoyed your time there, huh?” 

“It…” he hesitated, choosing his words carefully. 

We’ve wandered into emotional territory and we both needed to tread carefully. I need to remember that he was never mine, as much as I felt like his from our first kiss. Need to recall that back then everything was drawn out in plain sight. Our end was always just that - an end. I Need to forgive. And try to remember that at one point he did try to fight for me, in his round-a-bout noncommittal way, and I was the one to end things officially. 

We  _ both _ need to forgive. Especially if these are the last few months we have working together. 

“Was important work and I got to make a difference in the lives of thousands of indigenous people.” Ethan took another small pause for breath. When he continued, his deep baritone voice was lower, “Even if my intentions for going were skewed, it was an opportunity of a lifetime.” 

The simplest thing to do would be to nod, or eat - distract myself - or even change the subject. To try not to dwell on the implications of the statement. But I couldn’t. My body tensed and the warmth from moments before fled completely. 

We were silent. The brutal truth of why he left stinging just as much as it did the day I found out. 

Minutes, many many minutes passed with me finding solace in sweet savory carbs and Ethan pushing things around on his plate. 

Eager to change the subject there was one other topic of the day I was endlessly curious to know more about; 

“So, what’s the deal with Dr. Schwab?” 

“Don’t.” He dismissed, his authoritative voice seeping through just a tad. Though I’d like to think he’s smart enough not to use it with me outside of Edenbrook. 

“If you don’t tell me I’ll be forced to fabricate my own. I’m feeling a one-night stand gone wrong.” 

He looked back down at his food. 

“ _ Oh my god _ , I’m right.” The smile that erupted literally took over my entire face. I could  _ not  _ hide it even if I tried. 

“Rebecca,” he tried to scold. 

“Now you  _ have  _ to tell me.” 

Just like earlier he turned the conversation back on me; “What’s with the frat boy?” 

“Ryan was never in a fraternity,” I responded, not hiding the grin that formed by putting Ethan in his place. “He’s a jock though.” 

He expelled a dry laugh, “I don’t think that’s any better.” He took a bite of his salad. Something radiated off of Ethan I couldn’t quite place. 

“We were close in high school,” I added for reasons I’m not quite sure why. Like that explained who Ryan was and why he came back into my life now, of all times. 

Ethan made a condescending, “mhm”. 

I rolled my eyes; “We had a thing for a while, okay.” I conceded. “We grew apart senior year, and then I went off to college. Last night was the first time we’ve spoken in, like, eight years.” 

Ethan made absolutely no reactions to the statement. Not even a stupid wiggle of his dumb perfect eyebrow. 

_ Is he even paying attention?  _

“Now tell me about Schwab - sorry,  _ Hilary _ ,” I coaxed. 

Ethan’s hand flew to the bridge of his nose and up to carefully rub his eyes. 

_ This has gotta be good.  _

I waited patiently and eagerly for this story. She couldn’t have been Ethan’s type and  _ yet _ … What happened!? 

Eyes still shut tight, he grumbled, “What’s there to tell?” 

“Obviously something happened,” I couldn’t help but mock, “You slept together!” 

“Yes, and it’s something I do not like to dwell on.” 

“Sorry, buddy, but it looks like she does.” 

He groaned. Then shifted in his chair. Ethan took a long drag of his drink. And just when I figured he was going to wait this out until one of us changed the subject, he spoke; 

“A moment of weakness a few years back. And she was…” 

_ Ah! It’s actually happening! Ethan’s telling a salacious story!  _

Shifting in my seat and placing my head in my hands to give him my full attention; My brows and smile grew as I finished the sentence for him, “Eager?” 

He scowled. 

“Jesus Christ, Ethan, just tell me what happened!” 

“I will not go into details.” 

“Fine.” I made a motion with my hand for him to continue without the juicy details. 

“Harper and I had just ended things for good not long before…” 

We ended up going back and forth for a while - Ethan not wanting to give anything up and me pulling as much as I could out of him. Long story short, Ethan was in a weird mental state after breaking up with Harper for the hundredth and final time in their six year relationship. He took up a conference opportunity to get away for two nights. Knowing how much he  _ loves _ people, Ethan spent most of his time drowning his senses at the hotel bar. And low and behold, enter Hillary. 

From the sounds of it she was agreeable and very very forward. And Ethan was so lost in liquor that her voice didn’t irritate him as much as it did the next morning, and every single time they were in close proximity thereafter. Hillary had been going through a separation with her husband and needed a distraction just as bad. Really, who could blame her? Toting Ethan around would be the  _ best  _ revenge. 

The first night of his stay was fine - apparently the sex was satisfactory and she didn’t do anything remarkably memorable. Or so he says. _ I _ still think she looks like a squawker. He didn’t linger around long after before retreating to his hotel room. Then the next afternoon he was bored and weak and agreed to lunch. And lunch turned into drinks which turned into round two. In his room. And she didn’t leave. She  _ wasn’t leaving _ . So Ethan bought an earlier plane ticket, and shook her awake before checking out. 

And every conference since she seems to want to entertain a rematch. 

“Oh my god, you’re horrible!” I exclaimed ever delightfully. This was  _ hilarious! _

“I shouldn’t really be surprised. You flew to another continent after we slept together.” Shaking my head, a stupid little smirk on my lips I asked, “Have you  _ ever _ had a one night stand before?” 

“Wha - of course I have!” 

“One’s that didn’t end up with you getting on a plane?” 

He leaned back and folded his arms across his chest. “If you must know, I’ve had my fair share in undergrad.” 

Now it was my turn to send a condescending “mhm” his way. 

We spoke longer and polished off our plates - not a single crumb remained. This was nice.  _ Really _ nice getting to be close to him again and just being friends. Telling stories and exchanging playful jabs here and there. It’s how I fell for the idiot in the first place. 

_ Baby steps.  _

  
  


Two hours after we arrived the server came over with the bill. 

She was friendly and lovely the whole meal. The best part about her style of service is that she let us just exist and didn’t check up all that often. When she did I could tell she overheard someone of the crap Ethan and I were spewing. She had one of those knowing smiles, like she was in on our jokes the entire time. 

“Can I just say, you guys are adorable,” she relayed with the brightest of smiles after setting the padfolio on the table, her hands clapping together excitedly. She looked like a child who had just met Santa Claus for the first time. 

_ L O L she thinks we’re together.  _

At that I actually laughed out loud before informing, “We’re colleagues. In town for a conference.” 

The horror on the girl's face said it all. 

“Oh! My mistake, sorry. I can split the bill for you.” She reached for the pad where it sat in front of Ethan. 

He grabbed the black leather at the same time I spoke; 

"Nope, dinner’s on him.” I cupped a hand over my mouth and pointed a not-at-all discreet thumb towards him, “He'll get reimbursed," I laughed more to myself than anything. 

She smiles, a little relieved by my warmth, then turns to look at Ethan - silently asking permission or if it’s okay that he pays. Generally looking for some sort of direction from the old man. 

He shoots the server a look. Then forks over his credit card. 

As she saunters off, I smile at him sweetly, “Thank you.” 

Of course he rolls his eyes. But that rise in the corners of his mouth says so much more. 


End file.
